The Way I Love You
by JoChryedLover
Summary: My first Chryed fic. It starts from the episode on the 23rd February 2010, after the embrace at the Masala Unit. I have rated this story as M because of steamy scenes in later chapters. My canon version of the Chryed storyline.
1. Chapter 1

**OK guys, this is my first ever Eastenders / Christian/Syed fic, so please be nice!!  
It's starting point is from yesterday's (23rd Feb) episode, after that embrace at the Masala Unit.  
I've rated it M for possible steamy scenes in later chapters, as I have already indicated some sex in this chapter.  
Please take a moment to tell me what you think of it!!**

**xoxoxo**

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Christian POV:

As I headed home after the episode at the Unit, I was already missing him. That closeness that I had had with Syed had been sorely missed, and now that we had finally touched again, my body was screaming out for more. I felt closer to him than I had been in months, and I had some hope that we could work things out. I wasn't so stupid as to suppose that he'd leave his _wife _for me, but it was a step forward. At least he was talking to me again. And the way he had defended me against Zainab...well, it made my chest swell with love for him. He was willing to disrespect his own mother to protect me...

I stopped my thoughts in their tracks. I knew that if I let myself get carried away like this, then it would only hurt me later on. I had been kidding myself when I thought that, over time, I would stop loving Syed. I knew, deep down, that there would never be anyone to rival him. No one would even come close. After the wedding, I had went out on the pull, not the least bit surprised to find that I wasn't remotely attracted to a single gay, straight or bi man in the whole of the East End. From the day we had had our first kiss, my heart would always belong to Syed.

It was strange that, as I walked into my flat, it felt empty. It had been absent from any trace of Syed, or any other company, for months, and yet, I felt as though it was only yesterday that we had laid in bed together after making love to one another. I shook my head, laughing slightly to myself. I was _Christian, _for God's sake! I didn't fall like this, not for everyone. But, because I couldn't even lie to myself anymore, I didn't believe it for a second. The moment that he had walked into my life, everything had changed. My life finally had a purpose, had a meaning. Syed had literally turned my world upside down, and I was left with nothing. All because of his faith, his religion...his mother. I was left to watch him attempt to play happy families with Amira, knowing deep down that it would never work out. I knew that, one day, whether it be in a year from now, or ten years down the line, Syed's little secret would finally be out. And it killed me to know that it may not be my arms that Syed would finally run into. He would move away, start a new life, all memory of me and our time together forgotten. He would fall in love with another man, while I would be left here forever nursing a broken heart. It really was a cruel twist of fate that I had to fall for a man who would go to any lengths to hide his true sexuality and pretend to be happy with a wife.

Syed POV:

The way that Christian had held me in the Unit had felt so...so right. I had never realised before how much more relaxed my body was around him. I could feel it, each of my muscles slowly starting to relax, save for one part of my body. It was different to when I held Amira. I knew that I did that more out of show and habit than out of love. I had already admitted to myself that I wasn't in love with Amira. Yes, I could see that she was a beautiful young woman that any straight man would be lucky to have. The only problem was, I _wasn't _a straight man. I had finally come to terms with it. And, had my mother allowed it, I probably would have shouted it from the rooftops.

But my mother hadn't allowed it. She had forced me to marry Amira, despite my pleas for her to love and respect her son no matter what. My mother knew that I was gay; she had finally admitted it to herself. But she would not allow me to bring that sort of shame upon my family. So she had made me continue with the sham of a wedding, and my sham of a honeymoon, all in the good name of our family.

As I lay in bed, my wife lying beside me, I started to think of how different my life could have turned out. If I had had the courage to stand up to my mother, to stand up to my religion, my faith, I could have been truly happy. Now, I was forced to live this lie day after day, night after night, only being able to force myself to make love to my wife by pretending that it was Christian. Despite what I had told him in the Vic, I had only been able to consummate my marriage while thinking of him. It was only ever going to be thoughts of him that would let me get through this marriage.

I sighed to myself as I heard Amira stir in her sleep, finally coming out of unconsciousness. As she trailed her hand lightly down my stomach, I knew where my mind was going to be for the next hour or so. I was already back there, as soon as our lips met. I was back in Christian's flat.


	2. Chapter 2

**So so so so so sorry for the lack of updates to this one!!**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed and favourited the first chapter!**

**This chapter takes place after Lucy writes ''Syed loves Christian'' on the wall of Syed's flat, and Syed goes to confront Christian about interferring in his marriage.**

**I hope you all enjoy it!!**

**xoxoxo**

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**Syed POV:

I was so angry as I went to confront the man who had also ruined my marriage. He had came so close to revealing everything to her, by having Lucy write that terrible graffiti on the wall. It didn't matter that it used to be true. I loved Amira, and I was determined to make my marriage work. To make matters worse, Christian had also been trying to help Amira in the bedroom, first with that disastrous bike ride which saw us covered in mud, the bike broken beyond repair. And then, he has taught her the perfect way to seduce me. Although I wasn't complaining at the time, I was so mad at him for interfering in my life, our life, once more.

I let myself into his flat with the key he had given me so long ago, not even bothering to knock. I found him messing around in the kitchen. I took a quick look around the flat. Nothing had changed since I had last been in here, so long ago. Just taking a step through the door brought all of the memories flooding back, and I had to remind myself to stay focused. I was here because I was mad, not because I wanted him. But, the second I looked into his eyes, I was filled with regret over what had happened, how I had treated him. His eyes were still filled with the same love and devotion that they always had once we were alone together. Once we used to be alone together. Although it was the last thing I really wanted to do, I found myself apologising to him.

"It got out of hand, earlier," I didn't even know what I was apologising for; from the second our eyes had met, I was lost in them, in him. "I'm sorry."

Christian dropped his gaze from mine, suddenly finding the cloth he was holding fascinating.

"Apology accepted," he looked back at me, that same look of hurt in his eyes from the day of my marriage. "See yourself out." His voice had turned cold, he was clearly hoping that I was going to apologise for something else. He had made his way over to the sofa, without looking at me or saying another word.

I made to leave, but then changed my mind. I still hadn't said what I had come to say.

"Look, I know you helped Amira. She told me," it had felt like the ultimate betrayal, at the time. That my wife had had to go to another man to find out how to seduce me. I had felt pity for her. And I had felt bad that Christian had been the one she had turned to. After all I had put him through; he was still being made to suffer.

"Makes no difference now. You've made your feelings clear," that cold voice was back again. It still pained me that he had to hurt in this way, but the indifference in his tone instantly made me mad.

"Yeah, that's right," he sat, still as a statue, on the sofa. He didn't look at me, didn't even acknowledge that I was there.

"So, in the future, I'd appreciate it if you didn't get involved."

He paused for a moment.

"Sorry." There was no hint of 'sorry' in his tone, and it only served to make me madder than I already was.

"What happens between me and Amira has nothing to do with you..."

"She came to me," he interrupted me, finally looking at me.

"Yeah, and I bet you loved that."

"That's not true."

"Yeah, well, thanks," a hint of sarcasm laced my tone before I could stop myself. "Everything's just fine between us. Your services are no longer required." I made for the door then, before I did something else I would regret.

"Go on, run along. Play happy families. It won't make any difference."

I spun back around, going back to face him again.

"You know how it is for me..."

"Yeah." The hurt was back. And I was the one who'd brought it back to the surface. We'd been getting along fine, we were great mates, before all of this happened. Now, here I was, brining it all back for him. For us.

"And I am tired of it. Tired of waiting around for you to stand up and do the right thing."

"I am doing the right thing!"

"Really? For who?" Christian was on his feet now, so that I was forced to look at the indifference in his eyes. The indifference that I knew was linked with pain. "Cos it's not for you. And it's certainly not for Amira."

I was about to reply, but it appeared that Christian was far from finished.

"She came here. Distraught. Thinks it's her – thinks she's doing something wrong. And you know what that makes you? Selfish."

He had hit a nerve with me now.

"No, I love her."

"Selfish and gutless."

"Back off."

"When are you gonna put her out of her misery, eh?" Christian stalked towards me, a look of determination in his eyes. "When are you gonna tell her that you love me?" The look of determination was replaced with a look of desperation. He was silently pleading with me to end this farce of a marriage, to stand up and fight for our relationship. Allah knows that's what my heart wanted me to do. My heart wanted nothing more than for me to shout my love for him from the rooftops. But brain kept me from doing so, always reminding me of who I was, of my family, and of my faith.

"Go on," we stared at one another for a few seconds. "Say it."

I knew what he wanted me to say. He wanted me to admit that I still loved him. But admitting it to him would mean that I would have to admit it to myself.

"No."

"Coward."

I grabbed him by the hair, my anger finally overcoming me.

"No!"

He tackled me easily, and soon had me pinned down against the sofa, with him on top of me. Being with him, like this, reawakened everything I had ever felt for him. I stared up into the face of my former lover, and everything came rushing back to me. Before I could do anything to stop myself, our lips were crashing together...

Christian POV:

As Syed pulled me down towards his lips, I couldn't even remember why we were fighting. I couldn't think of anything. There was nothing more, nothing else existed but him. Our lips crashed together, moving on autopilot even after all of these months apart. I grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him from the sofa, pressing him up against a wall. I looked into his eyes and saw no doubt, no regret, no hesitation. Only love. My lips found his again, and he groaned softly as I bit down on his bottom lip. I didn't care that he would go back to his wife after we were done. I didn't care that I would have to watch them together, wishing I was in her place. I didn't care about all of the pain which I'd had to endure over the last few months. All I cared about was him. I wanted him, I needed him. I would cope with the pain that tomorrow would bring, but, right now, in this moment, there was nothing I could do to stop this. There was nothing I wanted to do to stop this.

My hands moved of their own accord, sliding down his sides and automatically undoing his belt buckle. My lips never left his as I undid first his jeans, followed by my own. All I knew was that I had to have this man, and I had to have him now. It wasn't going to be soft and gentle; it was going to be hard and rough. I had waited for him for too long, and I couldn't wait to have him again. I pressed my erection against his hip, and he hissed in delight, his hand stroking down my length. I groaned in response, kissing him once more before turning him roughly so that he was facing the wall. He rubbed up against me, and I had both our pants down before he could blink. He whimpered as I teased him, nipping the back of his neck.

"Please, Christian," he whispered, his eyes closed in desperation.

"What, Sy?" I grinned, nipping his ear lobe, earning me a whimper. "Just tell me what you want, and I'll be more than happy to give it to you."

"Please...fuck me..."

"Gladly," I groaned as I thrust into him. It was better than I remembered. I had often relived the times we'd made love, but feeling the real thing again was mind-blowing. I knew in that moment that no one would be able to satisfy me the way that Syed could. No one could bring me to the brink and make me come like he could. I continued to thrust into him, too desperate for him right now to go slow. He didn't seem to be complaining.

"Faster, please, Christian!" I sped up my thrusts, panting and groaning. He knew that it turned me on even more to hear him call my name in that desperate tone. I could feel him starting to tighten around me already, and I knew that it would soon send me over the brink.

"Come with me, Sy," I half whispered, half groaned into his ear, suckling on the spot behind his ear that I knew would drive him insane. I pounded into him harder, faster, and three thrusts later, we were both at our climax, shouting one another's names through our orgasms. As I felt my breathing start to return to normal, and Syed started to still around me, I grudgingly withdrew from him and spun him around in my arms. I kissed him softly, it wasn't a kiss of lust, it was a kiss of love. I tried to put all of the emotion and love I felt for him into that kiss, and it seemed as though he was trying to do the same. I pulled back to look at him, and saw his face laced with tears. I brought my hands up to wipe them away and kissed him on the forehead, taking one of his hands and leading him to the sofa. It killed me to see him hurting like this, even more than it killed me to see him happy with Amira.

"Come here," I pulled him into my arms as I lolled on the sofa, him sitting between my legs, me cradling him against my chest. I put my chin on his shoulder, our cheeks touching.

"I'm sorry," he began, after a few minutes of letting me comfort him. He spun in my arms so that we were facing one another, and I wiped the excess tears from his cheeks. "I'm sorry for hurting you so much..."

"It's OK," I shushed him. If he was going to go all angsty on me over the past, I'd end up falling apart. "Sy, I'd rather have had you, held you, for that short amount of time than never at all."

"But..." I silenced him with a kiss. I couldn't stand him like this. In this short time I had with him, I wanted to come away with it with a feeling of happiness, not one of angst.

"Forget about the past. Forget about what happened today. Forget about anything outside these four walls. While we're in here, it's just you and me. Nothing else matters."

"But it does though, doesn't it?" I sighed. It appeared we were having this discussion after all. "I've hurt you, time and time again. And there's nothing I can do about it." He ran a hand down my chest, and I shuddered. "There's nothing I can do about the way I feel about you..." He started to kiss me, but I broke off after a moment.

"Sy..." I ran a hand through his hair, cupping his chin. "I know." I brought his lips to mine. "When do you have to leave?" His face twisted at my words, and I immediately regretted them.

"I thought, maybe..." he met my gaze, his hands lingering on my chest. "Maybe, I could stay the night?" I didn't say anything. There wasn't anything I needed to say. Instead, I captured his lips with mine and led him over to my bed, our bed, intending to make love to him now, to show him with my body how much I loved him, and how much I needed him.

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**A/N: So, that was my first lemon! How was it? Too much? Not enough? Let me know, so I can improve on it next time!!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter!**

**This third chapter takes place after Masood tells Christian about Amira's pregnancy.**

**Hope you like it!!**

**xoxoxo**

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**Christian POV:

I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. All I knew was that I had to get out of the flat before the tears started to spill from my eyes. I grabbed my coat and rushed out before Masood could utter another word to me. Pregnant. Amira was pregnant. With Syed's baby. It was all over. The happy life that we'd always dreamt of was crashing down around me. Because I was fine with everyone calling me a marriage wrecker, I really was. But I would not be called a home wrecker. I could not allow myself to tear apart Syed's new family, to leave an unborn baby without his father. I couldn't ask Syed to do that for me. I could ask him to leave his wife for me, but not his child. Never his child. I had barely even registered the fact that I was moving until I found myself outside of my flat. I let myself in eagerly; this was the one place which felt like home, now that Syed had came into my life. Part of me wished that I'd never came to Walford, that I'd never set eyes on the face of my soul mate. But another part, a larger part, was so thankful that I had no matter what had happened, or what was going to happen, I was glad that I had been able to spend those few precious moments with my soul mate. I was glad that I had been able to give my heart and soul to the man they belonged to, no matter how much it would tear me up inside to watch him bringing up a child with another. I collapsed onto the floor as the door closed behind me, bringing my knees up and hugging them to my chest as I let the tears which had threatened me at Syed's flat wash over me. It was then that I noticed the crumpled up notes in my hand, and started to go back over the things that Masood has said to me.

The way he had talked about the feelings that Syed would have for his child.

"The lengths you'd go to, to protect them...even when you know they're weak"

The way he had talked about Syed being weak.

"His mother could never see it. But I did..."

The way he had asked me if I had a problem with Amira's pregnancy.

The way he had tried to convince me to leave.

"Maybe you've got a friend somewhere, or your mother would like a visit?"

The way he had banned me from the flat warming.

The way he had told me that I needed a holiday.

"Just, go away..."

The way he got defensive when I told him I hadn't finished at the flat yet.

"Oh no, you've done enough already..."

The way that he had insisted that I take his money and take a break.

All of his words were spinning around in my head, along with the way he had reacted when he saw me getting upset. He knew. Masood knew about us, and he was trying to get me to leave so that his son could have a chance at a happy life with his wife and child. He thought that I was going to take his son away from his family, away from his child. No doubt he thought that I was going to have my way with Syed and then leave him out in the cold, and was trying to intice me into leaving by paying me off. The tears stopped abruptly as the realisation set in. I was angry now. I was angry that this man thought he knew anything about the way I felt about his son. I was angry that this man thought to presume that I would leave the love of my life, my soul mate, for a couple of hundred quid. I looked down at the notes which were still crumpled in my hand. Perhaps it was best that I leave. Perhaps it was what we both needed; some time apart, so that we could get over one another. Because we could never be together, not properly. He'd always come close to telling his family, but something would always come up to stop him. Amira would be having a bad day, and he wouldn't want to make it even worse. His mother would warn him of the state that his family's reputation would be in if our secret came out. His father would always be there, trying to pay my off. And then, when his child came along, there'd always be something happening with the child to prevent him from leaving. His first steps. His first day of school. His first girlfriend.

Before I could change my mind, I headed into the flat and grabbed my suitcase, starting to fill it when I heard a key turn in the door of my flat. Syed had come, and I knew that, when I saw him, my plan to leave would be shot down before it had even got off the ground.

"What happened to no more yo-yo-ing?" Syed had come in and found me packing. He had been hysterical, and it had taken him a good few moments to calm down. Despite myself, I held him as his hysterics washed over the both of us, desperate to feel his warmth and closeness.

"What happened to honesty?" It was below the belt, but I couldn't help the betrayal that I felt. Syed had known that Amira was pregnant, and yet he had still wound me round his little finger, so that I was desperate to make love to him.

"Amira told you?" Realisation hit him as he realised that I knew about his unborn child. I didn't look at him, even though I could feel his eyes burning into my back as I continued to pack. I almost laughed at his shocked voice.

"You're having a baby, Sy."

"I only found out yesterday!" The day that he had enticed me back to his flat. The day that we had made love for hours on end, and I had felt sure that, this time, it would all be different. That, this time, he would be able to stand up and do the right thing, tell his family the truth about us. I had been wrong, yet again.

"What, and that makes it any better?"

"Oh, for God's sake, Christian!" I continued to pack as he finally stood up from the sofa. "You can't be surprised. You knew what I was - " He couldn't bring himself to say it. To say that he was sleeping with Amira. That he was betraying his heart and soul. Betraying me. "It was only a matter of time, wasn't it? What did you expect? What did you expect me to do?" I turned to face him then, all of my anger and the feelings of betrayal, which had been eating away at me since Masood had told me, were finally starting to surface, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

"The right thing!" It was all I ever expected him to do, but every time, he let me down. Every time I thought we were getting somewhere, something would come along and shoot me down again. And I was getting tired of it. "Finally." All I had ever been hoping for since the day of our first kiss was that, one day, he would be able to stand up for our relationship. "This is new life. Brand new." He held my gaze, and all I wanted to do was to be able to hold him and call him mine. But now, I would never be able to do that. Because, now, there was a person in his life who was even more important than his soul mate. His unborn child. "Now we do the good, decent, honest thing. For everyone." I went back to my packing, but he put a hand out to stop me.

"No!" He was getting angry now as well. I sighed, attempting to finish what I had started, but failing as my own anger bubbled back up to the surface.

"Look, what do you expect me to do?! Watch you and your children grow older through a window?! Do you want to lie to your son? Daughter?" He was looking me in the eyes again, and my resolve to leave almost wavered. I knew that, he would only have to say those three little words to me, and I would stay. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't live my life watching the man I loved above all others give his love to someone else. I couldn't watch him with his wife and child, day after day. It would kill me.

"You know I care about you." His voice was desperate now. He was as desperate not to lose me was I was not to lose him. But I had punished myself for long enough. I had hurt myself by waiting too many times. It was time for me to try to move on, to try to get over Syed.

"Yeah, last! You care about me last! And I'm never gonna stop moving down the list." I had to make him understand why I was doing this. Why I was leaving him. I had finally finished my packing, and was about to lift my case to the floor.

"I - I wanna hold your hand - " Syed's voice was a mixture of frustration and pain. I knew that he was frustrated that he couldn't make himself stand up and fight for me, and I knew that it pained him to see me hurting this way.

"Well you can't!" I was on the brink of losing it, and I knew that, if I did, with Syed here, I would never be able to make myself leave. I blinked back the tears as I faced him. "I know now, you can't." He had tried to make me see things from his side for so long, and now, I finally could. I could see the love in his eyes, warring with the frustration in his voice. He broke away from my gaze, and reached down and took my hand in his. I felt the surge of electricity pass through my body, and I was home. He met my eyes again, and realisation finally dawned on his face.

"I'm sorry..." He looked down at our joined hands, and I followed his gaze. They fit together perfectly, like they had been made for each other. I had. I had been made for Syed.

"I'm not." He met my gaze again, and this time, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. "But it's enough now." I had been through enough for this man. My heart had broken so many times that I was surprised that it was still beating. Before I'd met Syed, I had never known what it had felt like to nurse a broken heart. But now, since he had walked into my life, I was nursing one every day. Just when I thought it was almost repaired, something would happen to make it break all over again. I couldn't take it any more. "For both of us." I knew that his heart had been breaking as much as mine had. And it was time that both of us allowed our hearts to mend, as best they could when they were away from their owners.

"No..." He looked despearte as I took my hand from his and made to grab my suitcase.

"Enough." I was tired. I was tired of being the only one who was willing to stand up and fight for our relationship. I was tired of being the one who fell the furthest every time we tried to be with one another and failed. I grabbed my case and made to leave, Syed still standing where I had left him. I didn't fight the tears as I walked away from my soul mate. I was done with fighting.

"Christian..." I could hear the tears in his words, and I felt my resolve starting to weaken. I sighed, placing my bag on the ground and turned to look at him. Sure enough, he had tears in his eyes, and was giving me such a look of desperation that I couldn't bare to leave him like this.

"Come here." I sighed, moving over to him and pulling him into my arms. Even after all that we'd gone through, no matter how much my heart pleaded me not to, I still cared about Syed. He needed me to be there for him right now, and I needed him just as much. I pulled him down so that we were sitting on the bed and held him while the tears flowed, both his and mine.

Somehow, the conversation had turned onto what would have happened if Syed hadn't married Amira all those months ago. If he had had the courage to stand up to his mother and fight for our relationship. Even though I knew that my heart would break once again, I liked to hear what we could have been; it made me realise that he loved me just as much as I loved him.

"Brighton's nice." Syed was sitting with his head on my shoulder, no other parts of our bodies touching. With him this close, I could feel the electricity between us, and I longed to close the gap between my body and his. "Or Yorkshire. What's that place?" I smiled, turning to look at him.

"Hebden Bridge." He smiled back at me, imagining the life that we could have had, as I was.

"We could get a dog. Wear too short shorts." I laughed, picturing everything he was saying. "Buy a bungalow and call it 'Done Lying' - "

"No," I interrupted him. I couldn't hear him talk like this anymore. My heart couldn't take it. It was a fantasy that was never going to be reality, and it was only going to hurt me more the more it went on. We sat in companionable silence for a few moments

"Leave me a bit of space, I could still come with you tonight." There he was, doing it again. Filling my head with more fantasies that would never become a reality. Because we could never have a normal life together. I knew that Syed would always pine for the family he had given up, the child he had never gotten to know. And that would kill me more than losing him; seeing him in so much pain.

"You'd never forgive me." I looked him in the eyes, and saw the truth of what I was saying reflected in them. He knew that I was right. I raised my hand and brushed some of his hair out of his face. It was getting too long again, just the way I liked it. "You know you wouldn't. You can't run away from your baby." He sighed, knowing that I was right. I put my arm around him and starting rubbing his back to comfort him; his eyes were beginning to get watery again, and I didn't think I could stand to see him in any more pain tonight.

"No." That one word killed any little piece of hope that had remained within my stubborn heart. I knew then that I had lost him, for good this time. "I have to tell them, don't I?" I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't want to influence his decision to tell his family; not directly, at least. "I'm gonna be a dad, Christian..." Hearing him say those words was like a dagger to my heart. I didn't see how I was going to survive this time. "Dads are brave. They're grown up, and they know the answers." I looked at him, not wanting to believe him, but coming so close to hoping again. He was trying to say that he was ready, that he was finally brave enough to accept who he was, to embrace it, even. Or, at least, I hoped he was. "I can't spend my whole life scared. My family love me, they can't want me to be unhappy!" I snorted. Zainab certainly could. She was the one who had forced him to marry Amira, even though he had admitted that he loved me. Masood was willing to pay me to leave the country, to leave my soul mate. Of course they could want him to be unhappy, for the sake of their pride, honour and family name!

"Can't they?" He looked at me, that familiar look of love in his eyes, and I had to make myself look away. I was on the verge of hoping, and if I did that, then I would only pay for it later.

"I'm gonna do it, Christian." He had said it so many times, that it was like it was just being said out of habit. Why should I believe that this time was going to be any different to the other times before it? I turned my head, daring to look at him, and saw the honesty and conviction in his words. Maybe this time it would be different. Maybe this time, he would follow through, and tell everyone the truth. He caught my gaze, and took my hand in his. I gave myself to him willingly, hoping that, this time, I wasn't going to get my heart broken again. "I'm gonna tell my family the truth."

I couldn't tear my gaze away from his. It was like some unearthly force was keeping my eyes locked onto his, and I believed him. I believed every word that he had said. Maybe it was because I wanted to believe that this was really going to happen, that I was finally going to get my happy ending with the man I loved more than anything else in the world. He leaned his lips in to mine, and in the moment that our lips met, everything was right in the world again.

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**A/N: So, what did you think? Do you guys want me to throw a little sexy time into the mix, or do you want me to continue with the rest of the story? Or do you just want me to give up and quit writing it now? Let me know, the future of this story is in your hands!!**


	4. Chapter 4

**This chapter just carries straight on from the last chapter.**

**I hope you all enjoy it!!**

**xoxoxo**

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Christian POV:

I was almost euphoric. Syed was going to come clean. He was going to tell his family the truth about us, finally. He was going to stand up for our relationship, and ensure that we would get our happy ending –

I stopped my thoughts in their tracks and turned to look at the man sitting next to me. He had promised me this so many times in the past that I didn't know what to make of this promise that he had made me. He had been so ready to admit what he was to his family, but he had always fallen at the final hurdle, before he crossed the finishing line. What was so different about this time that would make him go through with it? I sighed, not knowing the answer.

"We've been through all of this before, Sy..." I needed him to tell me, to confirm to me that, this time, he meant it. That this time, it would be different. That we would be together at the end of it all, no matter what.

"Christian," he took my hand in his again. I closed my eyes, loving the feel of my name on his lips. I had to fight to keep myself focused, to prevent myself from taking him right there. "I love you." I looked into his eyes and saw the truth of his words. The look of love and devotion that was saved just for me. "I can't live like this anymore. I need to be with you. Always. I don't want you to be this dirty little secret anymore. I want to be with you, properly. Fully." My heart felt like it would burst in my chest. Those words were the ones I had longed to hear from him in such a long time. I couldn't believe that I was actually hearing them spill from his lips, especially now that he had a child on the way.

"Sy, what about Amira? The baby?" The guilt that we would both feel when Syed was taken from his child was already starting to eat me up inside. I didn't know how I'd get through this, but I knew that, with Syed at my side, I could do anything. I was his Superman, and he was mine.

"Shh..." He shushed me, kissing my cheek. "Forget about my family, Amira, the baby. Forget about anything outside these four walls. Remember what it's like when it's just you, me, and nothing else matters." I smiled as I heard my words, from so long ago, repeated back to me in a slightly different context. Syed's eyes suddenly filled with an all too familiar look, and I knew I wasn't going to be going anywhere anytime soon. "Why don't you let me show you how much I love you?"

He was on me then, pushing me back down onto the bed, his hands slipping under my t-shirt. I groaned softly as his hands roamed over my chest and stomach, the electricity that usually flowed between us multiplied tenfold. I was powerless to resist him, even if I had wanted to. He crawled over me, meeting my lips as he pushed his groin into mine. I moaned as I felt his hardness press into me, my own hardness answering his.

"Fuck, Sy..." I felt him grin against my lips as his hands roamed down to my jeans. He started to unbutton them, making tantalisingly slow work of it. I unconsciously bucked up against him, and he smirked at my need. Even after all this time, I was still desperate to have him; my need for him had never evaporated like it had done with every other man I'd ever slept with. I felt his lips leave mine as he pulled my t-shirt over my head, his lips making their way across my chest, his tongue darting out to meet each of my hardening nipples. I bit my lip to stop myself from screaming his name. I felt ready to come, and we hadn't even started anything yet. As he reached the waistband of my jeans, he looked up at me, his eyes hooded with lust.

"I want to taste you." I didn't try to hide my groan this time. I let it spill from my lips as he wasted no time in removing my jeans. "No underwear today?" His eyes shone with a combination of love and lust. I couldn't find the words to answer him, so I just groaned again. How could he do this to me, leave me so powerless that I couldn't even form a coherent sentence? All thoughts disappeared from my mind as I felt him suck me into his mouth.

"Fuck!" I felt him moan around me, and I knew that he was as turned on as I was. I bucked up into his mouth, desperate to feel more of him, but he placed his hands on my hips to keep me from moving. Well, if he wanted to be in control tonight, that was fine by me. I closed my eyes and lay back, giving in to the urge to simply feel. I felt the way his mouth bobbed up and down on me, the way his tongue swirled around my rock hard cock, the way he took me deeper with each downward movement, the way his teeth nipped at me at just the right time, with just the right amount of pressure. I could feel it building in the lower part of my body, and I knew I wouldn't last long.

I looked down and saw that he had removed his own trousers, and was playing with himself while he was pleasuring me, and it almost tipped me over the edge. He knew I loved to watch him doing that.

"God Sy...I'm gonna come..." He groaned around me at my words, suddenly moving his mouth faster on my cock. I moved my hands to the sides of his head, guiding his movements as I felt myself getting closer and closer to the edge. I looked down again and saw his hand moving impossibly faster over his own cock as he moaned around me. Knowing that he was close only made me closer. I called out his name as I reached my peak, feeling my orgasm shoot out of me and down his throat. He kept my orgasm going as long as he could, sucking everything from me that I had to give, groaning around me as he reached his own climax. As he released me from his mouth, I pulled his face up to meet mine as I gave him a sweet, tender kiss. A kiss of love. I moaned as I tasted myself on his lips, not in the slightest surprised that I was rock hard once again.

"You still taste amazing," Syed was breathing hard against me; I could taste the sweetness of his breath as I leaned in to kiss him again.

Syed settled into my chest and I stroked his hair as we lay in companionable silence for a while. I watched our chests rise and fall in sync to one another as we breathed one another in, getting reacquainted with the scents we had missed for so long. My hand started to trace lazy patterns on Syed's back, and I felt him moan as I reached one of his sensitive spots. I smiled to myself. I loved the effect that I had on this man; the effect we had on one another. No one had ever called out to me the way that Syed did. Just being in the same room as him, hearing his name, catching a glimpse of him in the Square, was enough to take my breath away. I just hoped that, over time, we never stopped affecting each other in the most extreme way I ever thought possible. No matter what happened, I knew that I never wanted to stop loving this man.

We only stayed like this for a few moments before I felt Syed starting to stir next to me. I had to hold in the sigh that threatened to come from my lips. I knew what I was signing on for when we started this whole thing up again. I knew that he could come here, make love to me, and then go back to his wife. I knew the price I had to pay to have this man in my life, and I was more than willing to pay for it, just to have those few precious hours with him. This time tomorrow, there would be no more hiding. Syed wouldn't have to up and leave as soon as we were finished. If I had my way, he'd never leave my side again. Reluctantly, I felt Syed start to withdraw from my embrace, sighing to himself as he got up into a sitting position. I allowed him to get dressed again, retrieving my own jeans from the other side of the room, where he had thrown them. Syed turned to me with wary eyes.

"You're not leaving anymore, are you?" His voice tried to sound brave, but I could see it in his eyes; he was frightened that I would leave him.

"No, course not," I smiled at him in the most reassuring way I could manage. When he still looked doubtful, I crossed to him, taking his hands in mine. "You're sure, about coming clean, Sy?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "I can't keep living this lie. I want us to have the life in Hebden Bridge, with the dogs and the too short shorts. I want to be able to kiss you and touch you in public. I want to be able to call you my partner." I grinned, taking his lips with mine.

"I'll see you tomorrow, then." I gave him one final, lingering kiss; the last kiss that would have to be a secret. He stared at me for a second, and, laughing, I picked up my suitcase and started to throw all of the clothes that I had packed onto the floor. He grinned at me, leaning over the mess to peck my lips once more before he left. I sighed in contentment, knowing that this was the last night that I would have to spend without him. Tomorrow, everyone would finally know the truth. Tomorrow, I would be able to walk down the street, hand in hand with the man I could finally call my partner. My happy ending – our happy ending – was finally in sight.


	5. Chapter 5

**This chapter takes place after the reveal on 26th April.**

**That final scene between Syed and Christian broke my heart! :(**

**Warning: This chapter is a little angsty!  
**

**xoxoxo**

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Christian POV:

As I stumbled my way into my flat, Syed's words rang through my mind. "I reject him..." This morning, I had thought that we were going to get our happy ending, finally. Now, it looked as though it was over between us. "I reject him..." The words stung more and more each time I replayed them in my mind. I collapsed onto the sofa, my legs giving way from the sadness which washed over me. This was it; our life together was over before it had even begun. I was unable to prevent Syed's final words from repeating themselves, no matter how hard I tried to think through them. I grabbed my phone, calling Syed's mobile, knowing it was useless even before the familiar voicemail tone sounded out. I found myself relaxing a little as I heard Syed's voice on his recording; it wasn't the angry, hurtful tone he had used with me earlier, it was his usual, happy, carefree voice, and it soothed me, as it always did. I jumped slightly as I heard a pounding on my door, rushing to my feet, unable to think of anything but who may be standing behind the door.

"Syed?" I opened the door, the huge smile on my face disappearing as I saw Lucy standing there.

"Sorry..." She must have heard my exclamation before I opened the door. "It's just me. I was worried about you." I stood aside to let her in. Although I didn't want to see anyone right now, save from Syed, I knew that she wouldn't go home until I let her in and tried to convince her that I was alright. I took a quick glance down the corridor before I closed the door, not quite knowing what I expected or wanted to see in the shadows. She took a seat on the sofa as I re-entered the flat, my face dropping from its earlier state of joy.

"I'm fine, Lucy. Really." I knew that she didn't believe me; I couldn't even convince myself.

"It's OK to be sad, Christian," she patted the seat next to her, and took my hand in hers as I sat down. "It's OK to cry."

"No," I shook my head. "I've cried too many tears over that man. I don't think I have any left to cry right now." She eyed me suspiciously. I had opened up and told her most of the times that I had cried over Syed, but I had kept quite a lot more from her. "Forget about it, Luc."

"But, you love each other. Everything should be fine from now, shouldn't it?" I sighed. I wasn't ready to have this conversation just yet; I didn't know the answer myself.

"I really dunno, Luc. You heard Sy, what he said. He doesn't want me, not now." I tried to regain control of myself. I was on the verge of losing it, and I didn't want to do it with Lucy here. I didn't want to cry any more tears, but I knew that it was inevitable.

"He's just angry right now. He'll be back, once he's calmed down. You'll see." I shook my head.

"I really don't think he will, Luc. I've blown it for good this time." I'd been so stupid, tearing the paper off the wall in a jealous rage. Syed had broken his word to me so many times, that this time, it was the last straw. I'd had enough hiding, enough waiting around. Syed had messed with my life enough. I was a desperate man, and I hadn't really thought about what it would mean, to force Syed to come out like this. I had never experienced anything like it.

"This is my fault," Lucy was looking at me with sorrowful eyes. "If I'd never written that graffitti - "

"This is not your fault, Luc," I hugged her to me. "I was the one who had to go and fall for the married gay man who would never come out." I almost chuckled at the irony of it all. Christian Clarke, terminal bachelor, famous heartbreaker, had fallen for the one person he could never had. And I had fallen hard. I shook my head, pulling Lucy to her feet. "You'd better be getting back. It's late." She eyed me suspiciously. "I'll be fine, Luc. Honest." She looked me over one last time before hugging me and opening the door to the flat.

"Call me if you need anything," I laughed at the serious look on her face, and agreed to call her if I needed someone to talk to. As soon as she was down the stairs, I closed my door and collapsed against it, not even making my way to the sofa this time before the pain washed over me. Pulling out my phone, I called Syed's mobile, again going straight to voicemail. He was shutting me out. And I wasn't surprised in the slightest. I had brought this all on myself. I deserved this. I deserved to lose the only man I would ever love, because I was too jealous to even consider what he wanted and what he needed. I was too caught up in my own impatience that I didn't see the consequences of my actions until it was already too late, and the wheels were already in motion. Once more, I called Syed's mobile, knowing before I dialed that he wouldn't pick up. I just needed to be able to hear a different voice to the one which was going round and round in my head.

"I reject him..."

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Syed POV:

I raced down Bridge Street and Turpin Road, my legs acting of their own accord as I replayed the entire scene over and over again in my mind. All Christian wanted was to have his happy ending, finally. To be with me, properly. And I had to come out with something like that.

"I reject him..."

My words spun round and round in my head. Why had I said that? I searched my mind, desperately trying to come up with an answer. Why had I told the man I love above all others that I didn't want him anymore? Yes, I was angry at the way he had outed me, and yes, I was distraught over the way that Amira and the rest of my community had found out, but did that give me the right to publicly reject and humiliate the man who meant more to me than life itself? I looked up and found myself outside of Christian's flat. I almost laughed at the irony. The one place I felt safe, the one place I felt accepted and loved, was now the one place I would never be welcome again. Because Christian wouldn't take me back now, not after this. I had hurt him time and time again, and the things I had said to him tonight were the final nails in the coffin which ended our relationship. I spun around as I heard Roxy's voice behind me, and got out of sight just before they rounded the corner, like the coward I am.

"Christian, please," Roxy was pleading with him. "Come back to the Vic and have a drink. Or at least let me come up for a while. You shouldn't be alone, not right now."

"Look, Rox," my heart skipped a beat, like it did every time I heard his voice, but my face twisted at the sound; his voice was strangled, just like it was when he was on the edge of tears. He was hurting, and once again it was because of me. Once again, I was unable to take away his pain. Every bone in my body was yearning for me to go to him, to comfort him. But my head told me to stay put, to give us both time to calm down. "I just wanna be on my own tonight, yeah? There's only one person I wanna see, but he's long gone by now." My heart broke into a thousand pieces as I heard him choke out the last few words. Me. Christian wanted me; still, after all I'd done to him. I made to step from the shadows, to tell him that I was still here; that I still loved him, but my breath was suddenly knocked out of me as they came into my view. I could see the tears shining in Christian's eyes, tears I had once again caused, and I knew I couldn't face him. Not right now. I couldn't face seeing him in pain, even if my presence would ease his suffering.

"Urgh," Roxy was pulling on Christian's arm, trying to get him to go with her. "Come on, Christian!" I watched as Christian pulled away from her, his muscled arms no match for her slight frame. I watched as he made for the door to his flat, every cell in my body screaming for me to follow him, to go to him and make love to him like we had done so many times before.

"It's over, Rox, OK?" My ears couldn't believe what they were hearing. I shook my head, as if I could shake away the memory of them. "I've lost him for good this time." Christian made his way inside. "It's over..." I saw the first of his tears fall from his eyes as he closed the door behind him. How could he think that; that he'd lost me? I was the one who had rejected him, I was the one who had pushed him away, and I was the one who had lost him. My mind was whirling as I lowered myself down to the ground. I held my head in my hands as I finally let the tears wash over me, knowing that Christian was crying too, just a few feet away from me. Just a few steps, and we'd be together again; nothing could stop us from being together now, nothing could ever rip us apart. I tried to make my brain listen; to make it see sense and let my legs walk those few steps to my lover, but it was like I was stuck fast. I don't know how long I sat there for. Eventually, I managed to make my legs move, and I headed straight for the Tube station, my last devastating words to my soul mate coursing through my head the whole way.

"I reject him..."

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**A/N: Aw, I watched last night's (13th May) episode and I almost cried! Syed's in hospital! Christian wants him back, but thinks that he's left Walford and doesn't know that he's tried to commit suicide! I can't wait for tonight's episode, see what happens, if Christian finds out, and what his reaction is if he does!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: OK, so I've just finished watching tonight's (14th May) episode, and I'm so mad!**

**How could Christian do that? How could he say that he's over Syed, when he's so obviously not? **

**Once again, this fic will be angsty, because of the way I feel about the events of tonight's episode!**

**I just want them back together again :(**

**xoxoxo**

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Christian POV:**  
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I rushed out of the Vic and straight into the first cab I could find. I couldn't believe what I'd heard, what Minty had told me. Syed, my Syed, mu beautiful Syed, had tried to take his own life. I had never felt so guilty in my life. I knew that I wasn't directly responsible, but I couldn't help but feel that this was all my fault. If I hadn't acted so miserable and moody whenever I saw him, Roxy never would have went to confront him. I had told her earlier that I was over Syed, but that was a lie. I was far from over him. I still loved him with all my heart, and I knew that that would never change. No matter what happened between me and Syed, I knew that I would never stop loving him. He was it for me. The One. My soul mate. It didn't get any better than him, no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise. And I had almost lost him for good.

I was anxious as the taxi crawled through the streets to the hospital. I knew that Syed was alright, Minty had told me that much. But I had to see him for myself. I had to see that he was still breathing, still alive and well. Even if he wanted nothing more to do with me, I had to make sure. I threw some notes at the driver, flinging myself from the cab before it had even came to a complete stop. I ran through the halls of the hospital, asking for him at the information desk. As soon as the receptionist pointed me in his direction, I flew down the corridor, barely missing a collision with a couple of doctors and a trolley or two. I couldn't stop. I needed to see him. I slowed my pace a little as I rounded the corner which would lead me to his room, pausing before I opened the door. Could I do this? Was I ready to see him, to face him, knowing that he had nearly died, because of me?

Before I could question myself, I pushed through the only door which stood between us and peeked my head around. There he was, my beautiful Syed, sitting up, laughing and joking with Tamwar. He was alive and well, just as Minty had said. I watched as he shook the hair out of his eyes, him and Tamwar throwing things between them. I had missed seeing him like this, seeing him with a smile on his face. For so long now, whenever I had caught a glimpse of him, he had looked sad and withdrawn, nothing like the Syed I had fell in love with. I knew that the blame for his misery was partly my own, and I knew that I only had to say three little words, and the look of misery would be replaced with one of joy. Every cell in my body urged me to go to him, to speak to him, to tell him that everything was gonna be alright; that I would take care of him, just like he had taken care of me. I longed to know why he thought that his only way out was by taking his own life. I longed to know what could be so bad, that he thought he had no other option. But, deep down, I already knew all of the answers. Everything that had happened, everything that he'd gone through, was because I was too angry to tell him that I still loved him. I was so angry that he had fled, while I had to take a beating from Amira's father, that it had cancelled out everything else that I felt for him. Unable to look at him and not go to him, I turned before he caught me, and walked away from the only man who had ever touched my heart.

Yesterday, when I thought that he'd left Walford, I was distraught. I had knocked on his door for over an hour, and waited outside for him to emerge. I had finally given in and allowed myself to call the one number I had been avoiding for weeks, only for it to cut straight to voicemail. If I'd known then that he was in hospital, what he'd tried to do, the irrational part of my mind might have won, and I might have been able to make myself go to him, talk to him. But now, the more rational part of my mind was in charge, and it was telling me that I needed to get out of there if there was ever a chance that I would get over this man enough to be able to carry on with the rest of my life.

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Syed POV:

The car ride home from the hospital was silent. My dad and Tambo were both too scared to talk to me, in case they'd tip me over the edge again. Didn't they understand? It wasn't them I needed. There was only one person I needed, and he'd cut me out of his life forever. He never wanted to see me again, and, after all of the pain I'd caused him, I couldn't blame him. I just stared out of the window the entire way home, not particulalry paying much attention to anything that was happening around me. And then I saw him. Christian. My heart skipped a beat and I felt myself start to surface from my depression. And then I saw him. Christian wasn't alone, he had his arm around someone else. Another man. And he was smiling. His smile was breathtaking, but it broke my heart to see him smiling with another man by his side. I couldn't take my eyes off him, and I felt a part of me die inside. Christian was over me, and I was still pining after him. This was my payback; my punishment from Allah for all of the times I'd hurt him, and for drinking and trying to take my own life. Because of everything I had done, Allah was punishing me by making the only man I'd ever want unreachable.

Yesterday, when Roxy had told me that there was nothing left for me in Walford, I hadn't believed her. Not really. Because Christian was still here. As long as Christian was near, then everything was alright. As long as I was in the same place as Christian, there was always a chance that I would be able to win him back, however slim that chance was. I don't know why, but something inside me had just snapped. Maybe it was because I had saw Christian earlier, and was unable to speak to him. Maybe it was because my own mother couldn't stand the sight of me. Maybe it was what had happened at the Mosque. Maybe it was because of the alcohol. Maybe it was a combination of all these things. But something inside of me had snapped, and I knew that, if I had to see Christian with another man day after day, something inside me would snap again. I finally knew what it had felt like for him, when he had had to endure months of watching me with Amria. Now I knew why Christian had finally snapped, and had outed me the way that he did. I was desperate to fling myself out of the car, go to him, rip my rival away from him, and take him in my arms once again.

As my dad pulled up in front of our house, I reluctantly withdrew my thoughts from Christian, and the man who would inevitably end up in his bed. The man that Christian would eventually fuck, and maybe even make love to. He told me that I was the first person he made love to, rather than fucked. I was the first one who meant something to him. And I had hoped that I would be the only one who ever meant anything to him, ever. I let the jealousy to seethe over me for a second, before I made myself focus. I heard my dad say something to me, but the words didn't get processed. I got out of the car and started to take in the scene before me. My mother had pulled all of my clothes, all of my belongings out of the house, and had piled them all up by the side of the road. She was holding a match in her hand and my dad was begging her to stop. Before any of us could react, she had lit the match and was burning a photo album, along with some of my belongings. Not looking at any of my family members, I watched on as my things burned, my mother's feelings for me made clear in that moment. Sge wanted me out of her life as easily as the clothes and belongings she was now burning. Without saying anything to any of them, I turned on my heel and made my way back to my flat, ignoring the calls of my dad and brother for me to come back. I broke into a run as I made my way down Bridge Street, not daring to look towards the place I had seen Christian with his new lover. I let myself into the place I had once called my save haven, feeling more alone and empty than I had done earlier that morning.

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**A/N: I'm not too sure where I should take this now. I don't know whether to wait for more episodes before I write any more, so that I stick to their canon storyline as much as possible, or whether to go my own way and take off on what could be a completely non-canon route. Your thoughts?**


	7. Author's Note

**A/N: Sorry, it's not an update per se...**

**I've taken everyone's comments regarding this story into account, and have decided that I will start a completely new fic.**

**I'm kinda wanting this one to be as canon as possible, as I like getting into the heads of the characters after each episode, and it also lets me vent my frustration of each episode via that character's thoughts and feelings. However, I know that some of you are wanting me to do a non-canon fic so that our two crazy love birds get together quicker, and I've been thinking about this a lot. I'n therefore going to start a completely new story, the link to which I will post when I've actually got it posted up on here! **

**So, this one is going to be my canon story, updated after every important (maybe even unimportant) Chryed moment from the episdoes. My other fic, which I am thinking of calling 'Each Tear', will be my non-canon version, giving you guys the happy ending you all desperately want!**

**xoxoxo  
**


	8. Another Author's Note

**A/N: Sorry again, it's not an update per se...**

**Just wanted to say that I've started my non-canon Chryed story!**

**It's called 'Each Tear', and can be found here: **.net/s/5980795/1/Each_Tear

**Hope you all enjoy it, and I will hopefully have something to update this with tomorrow!**

**xoxoxo  
**


	9. Chapter 7

**I know that not a lot has really happened between our two crazy kids, but I just thought that I'd try to get into Syed's head to see if he really believes that he can be 'cured' by this Allen guy.**

**He seems a little creepy to me, and I hope that he doesn't try to do anything to poor Syed!**

**Hopefully I'll have more to report on these two soon!**

**xoxoxo**

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Syed POV:

I was trying so hard with Allen. I was determined to get my mum to love me again, and I would do whatever it took, even if it meant that I had to turn my back on the man I truly was. Allen had tried all sorts with me; he was trying to make sure that nothing that was associated with the male body was enough to turn me on. He showed me images of cocks, both line drawings and photographs, along with a **lot** of porn. Just to make sure that it didn't hold any interest for me sexually. And none of them did. The trouble was, I knew that the only reason I wasn't turned on by the images and the porn was because it wasn't _him_. I knew that, if Allen should grab a random man from the street and push him onto me, I would always be able to resist whoever that man was. Unless he happened to grab Christian. Even being in the same room as him, hearing his voice, or someone speaking his name was enough to turn me on. I hadn't told Allen any of this. If he knew that my 'problem', as my mum called it, was only ever affected by one man, then I knew he'd be able to 'cure' me, simply by making sure that I would never see Christian again. The problem was, I didn't want to not see him again. I knew that, on the inside, I had stopped fighting who I was, and who it was I loved. On the outside, I made sure that my carefully composed mask never slipped; that my parents could see that I was 'trying' to find this magical cure and make it work. I wanted my mum to love me again, but I knew that it would only take one look, one word, from Christian, and all of my pretense would slip away, revealing the man underneath, my true identity. All Christian needed to do was to tell me he wanted me, and I would be lost to him.

"Sy?"

Allen's voice brought me out of my reverie. He had taken it up on himself to call me 'Sy', and I was deeply disturbed by this. Only one other person had ever called me 'Sy', and he was the only one who I would ever allow to call me it.

"Allen, please, don't call me Sy..." I sighed to myself, knowing that he would apologise once again, and would then go back to calling me it tomorrow.

"I'm sorry, Syed. I just think it suits you so much better," I shook my head, internally laughing to myself. Allen was so predictable.

I shook myself and turned back to the task at hand. Allen had found some even more extreme porn than before, and was attempting to show it to me on his laptop. He rested his hand on my thigh as I made myself watch it, feeling slightly uncomfortable with his movement. I laughed to myself. I felt nothing. Even the images on the screen, combined with the position of his hand, were not enough to arouse me even in the slightest.

"Nothing," I chuckled slightly, despite myself. "I feel nothing."

I thought I saw Allen frown out of the corner of my eye, but when I turned to look at him properly, he had re-composed his face.

"Good, Syed. I'll see you tomorrow."

I stayed where I was in the Unit as he left. Tomorrow... I was starting to think that I should start to end this pointless campaign I had set out on, but part of me was desperate to feel my mum's embrace again; to hear words of love rather than words of disappointment and disgust. I sighed to myself, deciding that I would give myself until the end of the week. After that, I would end things with Allen, and try to accept that I would never be able to get my mum to love me like she used to. _It's worth it, _I thought to myself. _It's worth it, just to be able to feel all of this love for Christian...  
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	10. Chapter 8

**Hi all!**

**Sorry for the delay in posting! **

**So what did everyone think of the reunion, and the scenes afterwards? I thought it was sooo cute! Hoping for some more soon!**

**Got a few little bits and pieces in this chapter from various scenes from the past couple of weeks, so I hope you enjoy it!**

**xoxoxo**

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Syed POV - after the touch in the marketplace

I looked over my shoulder at my soul mate as I walked away from him. I had to get out of there, away from him, if I had any chance at the reconciliation with my family which I so desperately craved. Just a simple touch from him was all it took to heighten all of my senses, reawaken all of my dormant, but not forgotten, feelings for him. One touch caused all of my feelings for him to come rushing back, my cock to harden, and my mind to go blank of all coherent thought. I thought of the way my mother would react if she knew just what one little brush of his skin could do to me, and had to shake off the feelings of shame I knew she would impress upon me. I thought of my father, and how he would look at me with that oh-so-familiar look of disgust and disappointment in his eyes. I thought of Tamwar, and the look of wonder, but also kind understanding that he would give me. I thought of Allen, and how he would tell me, once again, that it would take time for the feelings for Christian to disappear completely, and how I desperately thought that I wasn't sure if that was what I wanted. And lastly, I thought of Christian, of what he would say if he knew that I was still in love with him. I hoped that he would take me in his arms once more and tell me that everything was going to be ok; that he forgave me for everything I had put him through in the past year. In reality, however, I knew that he would most likely tell me that he had already moved on, had forgotten all of the feelings he had ever had for me, and didn't want any more to do with me. And that thought terrified me more than any of the thoughts or actions of my family.

Christian POV - after Syed tells him about his therapy

"What?" I looked at Syed in disbelief. He had told me all about his therapy; that his thinking was 're-orientated', or some rubbish like that. Reluctantly, I took his hand, knowing before I did that I would need more than just this simple contact. I had felt it earlier, in the marketplace, when he had touched me. My body had screamed out for more, and cried in anguish and agony the second he let me go. He grasped my hand in his, shook it slowly.

"See? Nothing. I don't feel anything." I took a step closer to him, knowing how he always reacted when I was this close to him; he would usually pounce on me or, if he was feeling the love more than the lust, he would slowly close the distance between us until there was nothing but the thinnest layer of air keeping us apart. But he didn't move. "I'm not attracted to you anymore. I'm cured. It's over." I searched his eyes for any hint of a lie, but saw nothing but truth reflected back at me. There was no hint of either love or lust, nothing to suggest that he felt completely different in his heart. He let go of my hand, and my body screamed out in protest once again. I continued to stare at him as he started rambling on about some nonsense or other, hardly able to believe what had just happened. I stood rooted to the spot as he turned on his heels and left the flat, my body once again screaming in protest, screaming at me to go after him and demand the truth from him, or at least an explanation.

I don't know how long I stood there before I eventually let Roxy drag me over to the sofa. Once I was there, I curled up into a ball, allowing the grief to wash over me. It was the first time either of us had said the word 'over' out loud, and I'd been sure that it was meant. In the past, when I'd told him that we were over, or vice versa, I had known that, one way or another, Syed would always end up back in my bed eventually. Even though we'd been apart all of these months, I had always had a little hope that we would eventually get back together. Now, all that hope had disappeared, and I could do nothing to stop the anguish which threatened to destroy me, and I wasn't sure that I would have stopped the anguish even if I could.

Christian POV - after Masood punches Christian, and Syed comes round to apologise

I couldn't help the chuckle which escaped from my lips. Here was Syed, telling me that he lied about not caring about me, lied about not having feelings about me, when just 24 hours earlier, he'd been telling me all about his miraculous 'cure'. I was sure that this was a sick joke that he had thought up with his 'therapist'; tell the gay-boy you feel nothing for him, destroy every little piece of hope he has left, and then go around and act like you care. Well, it wasn't washing with me. I couldn't bear to go through all of this again.

"What is this? All part of the 'therapy'?" I shook my head, not quite knowing how to react, or what to expect.

"No. I've stopped fooling myself. I've decided to be honest instead and go for what I really want." So, we were back to this again, were we? Back to the lies, the deceit, all so that we could spend a few hours together every now again? I was back to being this dirty little secret that Syed was so ashamed of, while he got to keep his family? I couldn't go through all that pain and misery again, no matter how good the occasional fucks were. I stared at him in disbelief for a second, unsure of what to do or say next. He held my gaze for a moment, before stepping forwards deliberately. I put my hand out to meet his chest, knowing what he had planned to do, knowing that I was unsure whether I wanted to kiss him. I was in a mess, and I didn't know whether I was coming or going. But I did know that I wasn't prepared to going back to being a dirty little secret when no one was looking. Although it literally hurt to do it, I found myself pushing him away from me. He shook his head in disbelief.

"Tam said...In the pub, you told my parents you loved me?" There was a twinge of hurt in his voice as he staged his question, and it almost killed me not to take him in my arms and take the hurt away, but I knew that I had to be sure. If he could prove to me that things were going to be different this time, I would take him back quite happily, but until that time, I couldn't face it.

"And what are you gonna tell your parents, Sy? What will you tell them, when you leave here later?" I knew that, if I let him stay, we would inevitably end up in my bed. But not if he couldn't do this one thing for me, after all the pain and suffering he had cause to me, to both of us. I could tell from his eyes that he was unsure of how to react. He didn't know what he would tell his parents, although I knew deep down that he would never come clean to them about being with me. "Like I thought." Though it pained me to do it, I took his arm and led him out of the flat, standing by the door so that he couldn't get back in easily.

"Christian, wait..." just hearing him say my name again was almost enough to make me cave in and fuck him. Almost.

"No, I did wait, Sy. I waited too long to go through this again." I reluctantly closed the door in his face, my eyes not wanting to leave his face, quickly trying to store every detail in my memory. I sighed, leaning my head back against the door in frustration. Now that I knew that it was possible that Syed wanted me back, it was going to be hard to ignore him as I had been doing for the past few weeks and months. As well as the painful longing in my heart, I also felt a surge of anger. It was as though Syed was deliberately trying to undo all of the hard work I had done in getting my life back together after our break-up. I knew that it had been hard on him too, but at least he had had his family around him to help, no matter how much they looked down on him for what he was. I had no one, and trying to pick the pieces back up when you're alone is a lot easier said than done.

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**A/N: My take on the aftermath of the reunion will come in the next chapter! **


	11. Chapter 9

**Hi all!**

**Apologies for the delay in getting this updated, but I was suffering from a huge case of writer's block. I think I'm cured now though!**

**Anyone know when Chryed are back on our screens again? I'm starting to get withdrawl!**

**xoxoxo**

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Christian POV – The Reunion

Our eyes met across the Square, and I was home again. Syed made his way out of the gardens, and I reluctantly left the entrance of the Vic to meet him at the top of Bridge Street. I knew that I had to have the first word if there was any chance that I would walk away from this with my sanity intact.

"Look, Sy, we've been here too many times before." I couldn't bear to let this man get my hopes up again, only to have them dashed later on. If I had to go through all that pain again, I was sure that it would kill me.

"Not like this," the look on Syed's face was so desperate that I felt myself falling all over again.

"What's different?" if it was going to work this time, he had to convince me that this time, it would all be different. That, this time, I would be more than his dirty little secret when he felt like it. This time, it had to be real.

"I choose you."

"Don't," I'd heard him say that too many times before to let myself start to believe it again. The last time, when he'd told me that he chose me over Amira and his family, he had backed out yet again, and set the ball rolling for some of the worst months of my life. The last time he had told me that he chose me, and then backed out, it had caused me such a rage of jealousy that I had destroyed both our lives, as well as Amira's, in the process.

"Christian," I closed my eyes for a moment, letting the sound of my name on his lips wash over me for a second. He sounded so desperate, that in that moment, all I wanted to do was hold him in my arms and tell him that everything was going to be OK.

"Don't say things you don't mean."

"After everything we've been through, you think I'm gonna waste any more time saying something I don't mean? You know what the easy thing would be?" I hung my head, not quite sure if I wanted to hear what he had to say, but knowing that I might end up regretting it one day if I didn't. "Say nothing. Do nothing. Keep calm and carry on, isn't that what they say? Only I can't. I can't stand by while the rest of my family talk about destiny and good hips and stringy meat like nothing's happening, like I don't count!" By the end of his little speech, I could hear the desperation in his voice, and see it in his eyes. I could feel what was left of my resolve starting to falter.

"You know I haven't got the faintest idea what you're going on about?" I saw him smile the first genuine smile I had seen from him in weeks, months even. It was as though everything we'd been through had never happened. The look of love in his eyes that I had been so accustomed to just a few short months ago, but had sorely missed in the recent weeks and months, was back, and it was breathtaking.

"You don't have to. The thing is, they tell me I can't be gay and a Muslim. Why not? Why do I have to choose?"

"You know why."

"Look, I am the way I am because that's how Allah made me. Whatever faults I have, he gave me. Now, I am proud of my faith," as he talked, I watched as Zainab and Masood left their home and stood a distance behind him, watching him and listening to everything he was saying. "And I am proud that Islam is about peace and tolerance and celebrating the things that make us different." I saw the look of horror and disgrace on his parents' faces, choosing to ignore it, not to relay this information to Syed. We were so close now, I could feel it. So close to getting that happy ending that we'd always dreamed of. And I wasn't about to let anyone ruin it. "But I need to be proud of who _I _am. Only, I'm gonna need a little bit of help." Syed took a deliberate step towards me, and this time, I didn't push him away from me. I could almost taste the sweetness of a reunion in the air. He was the same old Syed, always looking to me to guide him when he was unsure of a step he was about to take in our relationship. Usually, I'd be begging him not to do whatever it was he was about to do, but this time, I would encourage him with open arms.

"I can do that." I didn't care how long it took for him to be comfortable with our relationship being public, so long as I knew that he would always come home to me at the end of each and every day; that he would be able to be with me for as long as we wanted, as often as we wanted.

"I'm gay and I'm Muslim," finally, the two pieces of himself that he had tried so hard to separate were being allowed to come together, and he looked so much better for it. He had a certain glow about him that I had only seen a couple of times previously, and had always been followed by a declaration of our love for one another. He raised one hand to cup my chin, and my face unconsciously and automatically folded itself into his touch. Before I could stop myself, my lips were brushing against his thumb. "And I don't think you can go to hell for having loved." I pulled my lips away from him to look in his eyes. I met his gaze once before turning my attention to where his parents were still watching our exchange. He followed my gaze, turning slightly to meet the stares of his parents. He stood by my side, defiant as his parents gave him one final look before turning and going back inside, Zainab being pulled away from us by Masood.

"Let's go home." Syed turned back to face me, his eyes shining bright, a smile on his face. There was no evidence that he was affected by the clear rejection by Zainab and Masood. I smiled back at him, turning and heading back down Bridge Street and towards the flat on Turpin Road that was now ours. I felt, more than heard, him follow me, and as he tentatively placed his hand on the small of my back, I wrapped my arm around his shoulders, so that he automatically wrapped his arm around my waist. We finally had our happy ending, and I was determined that I was never going to lose him ever again.

Once we reached the privacy of the flat, I pulled him in for a kiss, long, soft, and sensual. The love that I felt for him was put into that kiss; not a trace of lust was allowed a look in. He kissed me back with just as much emotion, and in that moment, I realised just how much he had been going through in the past few months; I understood just how much it had hurt him to be away from me, but how he had also thought that it was for the best. It could have been hours or minutes later that I broke the kiss, but when I finally did break away, gasping for air, I realised that we both seemed to be much more relaxed than we had been in months. Just the presence of one another was enough to make a physical difference, alongside the emotional difference we both felt when we were around the other. I touched my forehead to his, closing my eyes and just allowing myself to enjoy his presence. I only had a few moments respite before he re-captured my lips with his own, some of the shyness from our first kiss showing itself even now. I knew it was only because we had been apart for so long, but I still felt the need to be gentle with him, not to push him too far, too fast. I would gladly take my time with him; allow him to set the pace, even though I was desperate for him.

As Syed slid his hands under my vest, I tried to keep the primal growl from leaving my lips, but failed. I lost almost all of my inhibitions when it came to Syed, and the most primal of my instincts always shone through. As he backed me up towards the bed – our bed – I lost myself in him, allowing myself to give in to him completely, finally able to feel whole again once more.


	12. Chapter 10

**Hi all!**

**I'm going to jump ahead to the night of the fire, just because I think the rest of the scenes we have witnessed between Chryed have been pretty self-explanatory, and I wanted to get a feel for what might have been running through Christian's head on the night of the fire.  
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**What did you all think of the fire? I'm soo pleased that Syed got out OK! My heart was in my throat the whole time! **

**And the little hug was soo cute!  
**

**xoxoxo**

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Christian POV:

I was just starting to drift off to sleep, feeling a little guilty that I was undoubtedly going to be out of it by the time Syed got home, when I was roused from my semi-unconsciousness by the irritating ring of my mobile. My eyes still closed, I felt around blindly on my nightstand for the cause of the irritating sound, finally managing to grasp it and answer it groggily.

"'Lo?" I was surprised I even had the energy to talk right now; I'd had a full day of training sessions, which had taken it out of me a little.

"Christian?" I tired to make myself focus, trying to decipher who's the voice was at the other end of the line. "Christian, it's Tamwar." I sat up immediately, checking the caller ID with some difficulty. Tam was calling from Syed's mobile, which immediately got me wondering what was wrong with Syed.

"Tam? What is it? Is it Syed?" I was already out of bed at this point, grateful that I had been too tired to undress. The thought that something might be wrong with Syed was driving me on, putting my fatigue on the back burner. I was trying to pull my shoes on with one hand while I tried to keep the phone to my ear with the other.

"He's fine, Christian. Can you come to the Vic?" I was already out of the door before he had begun his request. I didn't answer him, ending the call and putting my phone in my pocket as I dashed down Turpin Road, not feeling the coldness of the night despite being in only a vest. As I sped up Bridge Street, the breath was almost knocked out of me by the sight. Fire was tumbling from the windows of the Vic, people were gathered on the street in front, some crying, others comforting loved ones. I was immediately searching for Syed, finally locating him on the floor, leaning against Ian's wall, his family a short distance from him, Zainab and Masood seemingly ignoring him.

"Syed!" His head snapped up as soon as he heard my voice, and I was by his side in seconds, ignoring the looks I was getting from Zainab and Masood. I cradled his head in my hands, my eyes scanning his beautiful face for any signs of injury. I started to relax a little when I saw for myself that Syed was perfectly fine; there were no cuts to his face, it was only a little darkened from the ash. I pulled him in to my side, keeping him tight against me. I pecked his forehead before we both turned our attention to the burning pub. I was finding it hard to believe what was happening, especially since Syed had been so closely involved with the whole thing. When I think that he could have been hurt..a shudder runs through my entire body. Syed and I looked on as the horror unfolded around us. Stacey appeared at one of the upstairs windows begging for someone to help her. I felt the urge to help, but the urge to stay with Syed was stronger; only someone or something really important to me would be enough to make me move from his side right now. We watched as Ryan went to her aid, bringing the baby down with him first.

"Somebody please, do _something_!" My attention was distracted from the fire when I heard Roxy yell over the sounds of the crowd and the emergency vehicles. I looked back down at Syed, not wanting to leave him during something like this, but feeling like I needed to be there for my best friend all the same. "Please, will someone help me?" The decision was made for me by the desperate sound to her voice. As I made to stand, Syed felt my movements and looked up at me questioningly. As I gave Syed an encouraging smile, Roxy started yelling at her sister. I ran over to her, holding her in my arms and pulling her off her sister. I heard Syed shout my name as I ran to her, but it was as though I was working on autopilot. Roxy started to calm down a little as she felt my hold around her; at least, she stopped struggling to get back inside the building, and I held her while she sobbed. "They're all gonna die in there!" I kept my hold tight on her as Ronnie tried to talk to her, to calm her down some more. All three of us looked on in shock as the doors of the Vic opened and Peggy tumbled out with Billy and Phil in tow. I kept my grip on her as she went to her aunt's aid, just in case she got too close to the fire, or in case she needed to be moved away from the building quickly. I helped move Phil and Peggy away from the building, all of us managing to get the unconscious Phil onto the pavement near the gardens just before something inside the building started to explode. I watched in horror as flames bundled out of the windows, feeling myself get flung back from the force.

Now that I had ascertained that Roxy was going to be alright, I turned my attention back over to Syed, glad to see that at least one member of his family cared enough to make sure that he was alright. Tamwar was kneeling on the floor beside where his brother was sat, and had no doubt been comforting him while I had been away. Just as I was about to get up to cross the Square towards him, Ian and Jane came running across the Square towards Peggy, Ian yelling at Peggy and trying to get her to move away from her burning pub. Jane ran to me, and as she pulled me up from the ground, I realised that my body was flooded with a second wave of relief; with everything that had been going on, I had been unconsciously worrying about her whereabouts, and now that I knew that she was safe, I was relieved all over again. I held her tight for a moment before rushing over to Syed, reaching him just as he got to his feet. He immediately wrapped an arm around my waist, and I locked mine around his neck, holding him close to me, whispering to him that it was all going to be alright. He held onto me just as tightly, and I started stroking his hair as we both glanced at the burning pub one last time. Finally releasing him from my hold, I took his hand tightly in mine and lead him down Bridge Street and back to our flat, thanking whoever was up there that he had been saved; that I had not lost him yet again.

Once we were back inside the safety of the flat, I pulled Syed over to the sofa, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him close, as I had done so many times before. I laid my chin on his shoulder, kissing his cheek softly, my legs getting tangled up with his. I didn't know how close I had come to losing him tonight; I didn't know if he had been inside the building when the fire had started, or whether he had already been making his way home to me, but I was more thankful than words could describe to have him in the safety of my embrace.

"Sy, what happened?" He shook his head at me, and I could see that he was clearly frustrated about something.

"I..I dunno...I just remember Peggy shouting about a fire..One minute I was with Tam and my parents, the next, I was on the floor. I think I must've hit my head or something," I had to stifle a gasp. Knowing that Syed was that close to being trapped, to being killed...it was hard to take in.

"So what happened?"

"The next thing I remember, I was on the floor. I was disorientated, didn't know which way was up. I didn't know how to get out of there..Then I felt someone grab my arm, and the next thing I know, mum's dragging me out the front door.."

"_Zainab?_" I was beyond shocked that Zainab had been the one to help Syed. She had done such a great job pretending that he didn't exist, that I was pretty sure that she'd managed to convince herself that it was true. If Zainab had been the one to help Syed, it just showed that, no matter how wrong she thought our relationship was, however much she was disappointed in Syed, her motherly instincts just couldn't give in and let him die. And, although I could never thank her, I would be eternally grateful to her for saving his life.

"I know, tell me about it. Tam said it was my dad who first realised that I was missing.." OK, this was all getting a little strange. Masood had disowned him, not once, but twice. And yet he still cared whether his son lived or died. I had clearly got it wrong when I thought that the Masoods were terrible parents for disowning Syed the way they did; they clearly still cared for him, loved him even. I would be in their debt for the rest of my life.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, babe. I'm just glad you're OK."

"I thought I was gonna lose you.." he said it so quietly that I wasn't sure that he'd spoken, at first.

"What d'ya mean?"

"When you went over to Roxy...I thought you were gonna go inside.." I almost laughed at him, he was so adorably stupid.

"Sy, I might be a lot of things, but I ain't stupid. You really think I'm gonna do something like that when I've only just got you back?" I laughed, messing his hair up with my free hand. "The only person I would have gone in there to save is _you_, you stupid lump!" He laughed with me, both of us stunned by the night's events, but both equally as glad that the other was still here to tell the tale.


	13. Chapter 11

**Hi all!**

**Sorry for the lack of updates (again!) **

**Things are just crazy at the moment! Thought I'd post this up before Chryed are back tonight (YAY!)**

**Just a short one this time, hopefully have some more tomorrow**

**xoxoxo**

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Christian POV:

I stormed out of the club, Syed in tow behind me. I was so mad! Roxy was bang out of order in there, spiking Syed's drink like that, as if he wouldn't notice! He might not have noticed if she'd only given a single measure of vodka, but she'd given him at least a double measure. The smug look on her face as she realised that I knew that she'd done it on purpose. I felt Syed's hand slip out of my grip as I stormed off down Bridge Street, heard him yelling my name, but I was so mad that I couldn't make myself listen to him. Even the feeling which usually overcomes me when we were forced to part wasn't enough to make me turn around and go back to him; the anger was winning out over anything else I was feeling. I collapsed with a sigh onto Arthur's Bench, wanting to scream just to release some of my anger. Ever since Syed and I had got back together, Roxy had been going on and on at me about how she wasn't the number one person in my life anymore. Any time I heard from her, she was whining on that I never spent any time with her, and that Syed was turning me into a boring old man, joking that she was going to buy me a pipe and a pair of slippers to complete the transformation. She was desperate for something to happen between me and Syed to make me go running back to her. I couldn't believe her. She was supposed to be my best mate, but she was so eager for things to go wrong between me and Syed, so desperate for us to split up again. She was almost as bad as Zainab and Masood, who had gone back to being cold and distant after all the drama of the Vic fire, which I thought had brought them closer to their son again. I cast a glance in the direction of their home, sighing to myself. I knew that Syed still missed them, more and more everyday, and it killed me that I couldn't do anything to make him feel better. He was happy, I was sure of that, we both were. But I knew that, somewhere deep down, he was still hurting, possibly even regretting the decision he had made when he chose me. I was terrified of losing him, terrified that he would realise that he's made a mistake choosing me and go running back to his family, begging their forgiveness. And even tough she knew this, Roxy was almost willing it to happen. She knew what it would do to me, if Syed was to leave me again, and she was selfish enough to actually want it to happen. Why couldn't people just see, and accept, that, after everything we'd been through, Syed and I were sticking together, no matter what. That our love wasn't just a fad or a phase. We were in it for the long-haul. Some people just didn't seem to think that a gay relationship could last, or could be meaningful. Roxy saw first hand how badly I was affected when Syed had left me, and she was still happy for me to be unhappy. I found myself wondering what kind of a friend she must be to do that to me.

I started to notice that Syed wasn't with me. He must have gone back home, knowing without me saying that I needed to be on my own for a while to let off some steam. I smiled as I thought of him, my anger slowly seeping away as pure love shone through my body and coursed through my veins. The way he was tonight, the way he was so open about our relationship in public, made me shine with pride and joy. I laughed as I remembered how he asked me about "the pulling technique", and the way he frowned at me as I said "scanning the room for the fittest bloke" and he got all defensive as I looked over his shoulder to a bloke sat in the corner of the room. As if he could think that I'd want anyone else, or that I'd miss the single lifestyle, jumping from bed to bed. And later, when the Slaters were asking his opinion of a guy, the way he got all defensive and retorted that he was "in a committed relationship"…my heart swelled with pride and love and almost jumped out of my chest. There I was, standing with my arms wrapped around him, having already kissed him in public, and now he was declaring his love for me in front of a crowd of people. I felt like the luckiest bloke in the world. I shook myself, bringing myself out of my anger bubble. Me and Syed, that's all that mattered, at the end of it all. I knew how I felt about him, and I also knew how he felt about me. He told me time and time again, fifty times a day, that he loved me, and as long as I had him with me, I knew that nothing else really mattered. I launched myself off the bench, wiping away a few stray tears that I hadn't even realised had fallen from my eyes. I hurried back down Bridge Street, not even casting a second glance at the club, not even finding the time to care about who was inside it. I let myself into my flat - our flat - grateful for the salvation I knew would be waiting for me at the top of the stairs. As soon as I closed the door behind me, he was there; he had clearly been listening for me to come home, as eager as I was to be reunited once again.

"Christian, I -" I didn't even let him finish his sentence before I was on him, forcing my tongue into his open mouth and kissing him hard. I could predict each and every one of his movements, but I was never bored by them. Although each movement was predicted, it always seemed to catch me by surprise one way or another; there would be a lot more passion or force than usual, or he would move in a slightly different way to normal, taking my breath away. I backed him against the wall opposite the door, undoing his belt in one swift movement. We both knew what would be happening over the next couple of hours, and we were both as desperate for it as the other. He groaned into my mouth as I expertly unfastened his jeans, dragging them down along with his boxers. I pumped his newly freed erection twice before turning my attention to my own jeans - the only item of clothing standing between what we both wanted. As soon as I had kicked my jeans away from me, I was kissing him again, nipping his bottom lip between my teeth. Our movements mirrored each other, both of us taking the other's length in our hands and pumping at exactly the same speed.

"Sy…" his name came out a feral grunt, and I knew it turned him on even more. Lifting him up off the ground, he gladly wrapped his legs around my waist, so that he was pinned against me and the wall. In this position, all he could do was take whatever I dealt out to him. I was the one in control, and after the situation in the club earlier, this was exactly what I needed to be. I didn't like it when someone else tried to take control of my life, which is one of the reasons I hated Syed telling me that we couldn't be together, that I couldn't be a part of his life. Along with the pain I felt from being away from him, the fact that he was trying to take control of my life was what hurt me the most, and was one of the reasons why I just kept chasing him - when he told me that I couldn't have him, it made me want him even more. And now, Roxy was trying to control my relationship with Syed, trying to force me to be her little playmate. It was just a shame for her that I had a new playmate, who I much preferred playing with to her.

I thrust hard into Syed, making him hiss from the sudden pain. I could tell it was quickly replaced by pleasure, however, when he started moaning in my ear, trying to buck against me, which was practically impossible in this position. Knowing that he was desperate for me, I held back as much as I could; after all, I wanted him just as much as he wanted me.

"Chrisssstiannn!" he groaned into my ear, his desperation shining through. I grinned, nibbling and sucking on his earlobe as I barely moved inside him. Syed soon started whimpering into my ear, and I could tell that he was near breaking point now. It was driving him insane, and that was just how I liked it to be, when I was in this mood.

"You want it hard, Sy?" I grinned, knowing the answer before I'd even asked the question. He whimpered even more, unable to speak out of sheer need. He nodded his head vehemently, so that I didn't miss his answer. "How hard?" I knew that by teasing him this much, he'd soon be right where I wanted him to be.

"Just fuck me, Christian! Please!" We had reached the begging stage much quicker than I had first anticipated, which I was grateful for. It was getting harder to hold back with every second that passed. I could feel his muscles, desperately trying to pull me in, to feel more.

I finally gave in, thrusting hard and fast into him. We both let out a sigh of relief, and, ensuring that he was securely snaked around my body, I moved back from the wall so that he could meet me thrust for thrust. We groaned and moved simultaneously, moving on instinct and feeling. Sometimes, it was easy to forget that Syed was inexperienced compared to me and some of the other men I'd slept with. Everything just came so naturally to him, he instinctively knew what he needed to do and when he needed to do it. He was far better in bed than any of my other, more experienced conquests had been. The feelings Syed evoked in me had never been brought to the surface by anyone else before; I didn't even know I was able to feel them before I had met Syed.

Syed's desperate groans rang through my ears, urging me to move faster, give him more of the intense feelings we were both experiencing. I happily obliged, increasing the speed to an impossible rate. I reattached my lips onto his, driving my tongue inside his mouth as soon as he granted me access. He fought my tongue for dominance, but I wasn't about to let him win that easily. I shifted his position on my hips, angling him better so that I hit the right spot inside of him time and time again. I watched, entranced, as his eyes burst open as he came suddenly and unexpectedly around me, screaming my name from his lips as the sudden rush of pleasure took over him. Not even a second later, I felt myself explode inside of him, my knees almost buckling under me at the rush of pleasure which was now flooding my body. I slowly fell to my knees, carrying Syed with me, lying him down on the floor and kissing him softly, the complete opposite to how I had just fucked him. I drew back to look him in the eyes, the breath still knocked out of me from the beauty of him, even after all this time.

"God, you're beautiful, Sy," I captured his lips again as he pulled me down into him, wrapping his arms securely around my back. I lost track of time as we kissed, soft, sensual and slow, a wordless declartaion of our love for one another. Eventually, when we found the strength to untangle our limbs, I led him to our bed, and he snuggled into my chest as I held him.

"Christian?"

"Hmm?" I brushed my lips across his hair, my arms trapping him securely against my body.

"What Roxy did.."

"Was out of order."

"Yeah, but please, don't fall out with her because of me. She may not be my favourite person in the world, but I know how much she means to you."

"Don't worry," I grinned, looking down at him. "I'll let her stew for a while, but I'll forgive her - eventually. When she's grovelled. A LOT." I felt him shake as he laughed around me.

"You'll forgive her tomorrow. You never could hold a grudge for too long."

"Yeah," I smiled, remembering all of the times I'd been angry with Syed, but had forgiven him after a matter of hours, minutes even. I'd let her feel bad for a while, maybe even make her beg and plead a little, but I'd forgive her in the end. It was just so sweet of Syed to not want me to fall out with my best girlfriend over him. Sweet, selfless, Syed. I lifted his chin up so I could kiss his lips, and, feeling him settle back down against me, smiled to myself as we both fell into a gentle, peaceful sleep.

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**A/N: Sorry it's so short, but I wanted to get an update for you before tonight's episode :) **


	14. Chapter 12

**Hi all!**

**I'm so happy that Chryed are finally back again! Loved the little hug we got on Tuesday, was hoping for a kiss, but never mind.  
**

**Well, Syed's back, and I think he and Christian have a little catching up to do...**

**Hope you like this chapter!**

**xoxoxo**

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Christian POV:

Syed's back today. It feels as though we've been apart an eternity. Just a few more hours left working in the Vic, and I'll be able to go home and have everything ready for when he walks through the door. I know that going back to Leeds, doing this massage course, it was all so that we could better the business, but the week apart from him has been pure torture. I know that he feels the same; when I've talked to him on the phone the last few days, he's sounded so miserable that it almost broke my heart. I can't seem to wipe the smile from my face as I serve the punters. Even Jane calling me and asking me to help her out hasn't managed to put a downer on my spirits. I bring yet another meal out to yet another customer, and my smile is still on my face. Just knowing that Syed is on his way back to me is bringing out the best of me.

"Miss me?" His voice behind me makes me jump, but as I turn to confirm that it is indeed Syed standing behind me, I can literally feel the happiness bursting through my veins. The smile on his face is breath-taking, and I know that my answering smile is just the same.

"Trying to put me in an early grave?" I joke, unable to stop my heart from hammering at a million miles an hour in my chest, even if I had wanted to.

"I wanted to surprise you!" Is all he manages to get out before I pull him in for a hug. The hug doesn't last as long as it should, as I am aware that we're in a very public place, and I know that Syed still has some mild objections to showing too much affection in public.

"How was Leeds?" I'm hoping that, if we get our spoken catch up out of the way now, later on we'll be able to let our bodies do the talking.

"It was so good to be back there," as stupid as it sounds, I feel my heart drop a little as he says this. As unlikely as it is, I find myself wondering if he's rather have stayed up there rather than come back down here to me.

"And the course?" I'm suddenly desperate to get him away from the subject of Leeds, in case he realises that he's made a mistake in coming back here.

"First part of my massage diploma in the bag," I feel my heart sink again. First part? Does that mean he'll need to go away again? Before I can let my own little insecurities worry me too much, I remember my surprise for him.

"Well I've got a little surprise for you," I turn away from him, taking some empty dishes with me and killing two birds with one stone.

"Yeah?" I hear him ask as I move away. "Has he been behaving himself?" I hear him ask Kat as I walk through the open doorway. I can still hear them as I put down the dishes and collect his surprise, lingering in the doorway to hear her response.

"He's been copping hold of every bloke he can get his paws on," I laugh silently to myself, knowing that Kat likes a little stir-up as much as the next person, and also knowing that Syed's face in response to this statement will be a picture. He doesn't seem to have grasped the concept that I only want him, even after all this time. "He's had a face like a smacked bum all week," I take this as my cue to reappear, looking as though nothing has happened.

"Tah-dah!" I present him with his surprise, a white coat for his massage work. "What d'ya think?" His face is unreadable, but I know him well enough by now to know that he is unsure. "You're gonna have to look the part for the new business." I laugh, taking his hold-all and leading him through. "Come here!"

As soon as we're out of sight of the customers in the pub and inside the kitchen, I drop his bag and new coat and pull him to me for a better hug.

"Oh, I missed you," he wraps his arms around my waist automatically as I lean back to look at him, stroking some hair out of his eyes.

"Yeah?" I nod in agreement. "I missed you, too." I smile at him, pecking his lips softly, aware that we could be walked in on at any moment. "What time d'ya get off?"

"Not til 7, I'm afraid," I sigh, wishing I hadn't said that I'd cover for Jane. "If I knew you were getting an earlier train back, I wouldn't have agreed to work," I apologise.

"Don't worry about it," he shrugs, a smile lighting up his face. "Why don't I go and cook for us?" He makes to leave, attempting to wriggle out of my embrace, but I tighten my hold around him.

"I'm due a break, why not stay and have a drink with me first, we can catch up?" He nods his approval, and I reclaim his discarded bag and coat with one hand and lead him back through to the bar with the other. "Kat, I'm on a break," I yell to her on my way past. "Bring us a pint and an orange juice, babe?" I see her slight nod of the head and take a seat with Syed, smiling as he releases my hand so that he can put his arm around my shoulders. I reclaim his other hand in mine, holding it tightly underneath the table. As Kat brings our drinks over, I run Syed through everything he's missed, and he's as surprised as I am that Jane could be leaving Ian.

"She's heartbroken, babe," I tell him. "She really doesn't know what to do."

"Poor Jane," I could see Syed's concerned look, but I also knew that his concern would have to be relayed to Jane another day; we were going to be _far_ too busy tonight, if I had my way.

I asked Syed about Leeds, we were interrupted by Kat and then all of the Jane business interrupted us further. I was sat in the cafe brooding over Jane and Masood the next time Syed found me.

"I've been calling you,"he sounded a little hurt, and I could appreciate it, especially since I had just run out on him like that at the Vic, after a week apart.

"Sorry, what d'ya need?" I automatically reached into my pocket for my wallet; with his side of the business not even up and running yet, I was still having to help Syed out financially every now and then. Not that I minded.

"No," he shook his head, and I looked at him questioningly, noticing out of the corner of my eye that he had Jane's hotel room key in his hand. "What were you talking to Jane about?" I sighed inwardly. If there was one thing I hated, it was lying to Syed. It never did me any good, and he always found me out in the end.

"Just brother - sister stuff," and there it was. The lie. The one thing I never wanted to do to Syed, here I was doing it again, even though I'd sworn to myself that I'd always be completely honest with him. But, in this situation, I'd rather lie and protect him than tell him the truth and make him miserable again.

"How'd she seem to you?" I could sense that he was seeing through my lie, but I decided to go along with it, for his sake.

"Bit distracted maybe, but..fine."

"Is that Jane and your father that you're talking about?" At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be able to somehow relay to Dot to be quiet. I had liked her for being supportive of Syed and I, and I liked her, I really did, but she sometimes just did not know when to be quiet. "'Cause I saw 'em rushing off together earlier on, a business function, no doubt."

I laughed like I was expected to, but I could see from Syed's face that he was getting suspicious ideas into his head, and that never boded well for anyone.

"See, Christian? Something's not right. There's something going on, and - "

"Syed," he looked at me, in the way that he always does whenever I address him with his full name. "Look, why don't you go home and get yourself settled back in? You've had a long journey. Don't worry about your dad and Jane, I'm sure there's an innocent explanation for all of this. It's like Dot said, it's probably a business thing." He opened his mouth to reply, and I took the opportunity to kiss him. "Trust me, Sy." I looked at him, and he nodded.

"OK. I'll see you in a few hours, yeah?" I nodded my agreement, and he pecked my lips once before he left, and I let out a sigh of frustration.

xo

Three hours later, I let myself back into the flat, my shift at the Vic finally over. Syed was busy in the kitchen, and I was relieved to see that he hadn't made a mess of the flat like he had done the first time he'd attempted to cook me dinner. I made my way over to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and kissing his neck.

"Hiya, babe." He leaned back into my embrace, threading his fingers through mine. "Miss me?"

"Mmm," he murmured. "Listen, I'm sorry."

"What for?" I spun him around so he was facing me.

"Today was supposed to be about us, and I've gone and ruined it."

"Hey, you didn't ruin it," I kissed him softly, but with more vigor than I had in the pub or the cafe. "If anything, _I_ went and ruined it by working a shift in the Vic." He shook his head, taking my hand and pulling me towards the sofa.

"I've been so caught up in everything with my dad and Jane, I lost sight of what was important. I missed _you_, Christian, and tonight was supposed to be about us being together again."

"It is about us, babe. A little drama is normal, we know that by now." He laughed, and I smiled at him. I ran a hand through his hair, pulling me to him.

"What about your dinner?" Syed was too good at reading me.

"I'll have it later," I ran my tongue along his neck, and his answering groan told me that I had him. He turned to meet my lips and I deepened the kiss almost immediately. Shifting myself on top of him on the sofa, I ran my hands under his t-shirt and he shuddered at my touch. Clothes were shed, unspoken promises were made, and for the next few hours, all thoughts of Masood and Jane were forgotten, as I proved to Syed just how much I had missed him.

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**A/N: I'm still waiting for my kiss, and if I don't get it tomorrow, I might have to write to OffCom about it!**


	15. Chapter 13

**Hi all!**

**So my kiss finally happened on Friday!**

**Carrying on from the day after Syed returns from Leeds, when he finds out that Jane and Masood went to a hotel together.**

**Hope you enjoy it :)**

**xoxoxo**

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Christian POV:

Call me paranoid, but despite our intense lovemaking session last night, I still find myself worrying over the meaning behind Syed saying that he loved being back in Leeds. I know that he loves me, don't get me wrong, but does he love me enough to stay? I was going to ask him about it last night, but we were both so worn out that we went straight to sleep in one another's arms. And, this morning, Tamwar was coming over to have breakfast and catch up with Syed after Leeds. I shook myself, stripping down and stepping into the running shower. I had tried to persuade Syed to join me, but he said that Tamwar was coming over straight away, more's the pity. I automatically started singing to the shower, forgetting that we had company for a change.

xo

Ten minutes later, I stepped out of my shower, wrapping a towel (securely) round my waist. I normally wouldn't bother checking if the towel was secure or not, as Syed would most likely be ripping it off within ten seconds, had we been alone. But, since we had company, I thought it best to ensure that I was decent. For everyone's sakes. As I headed into the kitchen to retrieve my freshly poured orange juice, I caught the end of Syed and Tamwar's conversation.

"Think that trumps you in the inappropriate partner stakes..." Tamwar was saying. If someone the Masoods knew trumped Syed and I, I hated to think what the punishment would be for them, since Syed was all but cast out.

"Morning Masoods!" I chirped cheerily, the mere presence of Syed being back already making me a better morning person than I had been all week.

"Maybe not.." Tamwar was eyeing me cautiously, as though I was going to drop my towel at any second. Syed met my eyes for a second and shot me a warning look. I tried hard not to roll my eyes. I wasn't about to jump him infront of his brother.. The atmosphere was decidedly morose, so I decided to attempt to lighten the mood. "Someone died?"

Syed explained to me about Tamwar's forbidden relationship, and I almost choked on my orange juice when Syed mentioned that someone had tried to kill Zainab. Syed and Tamwar kept discussing the history and the fire and Tamwar's current relationship problems, but all I really wanted to know was who had tried to kill Zainab, and why. They kept talking like I wasn't there, even when I asked who tried to kill her, and I threw my arms up in frustration. I wasn't used to Syed paying someone else attention. I smiled with affection as Syed tried to convince Tamwar to take a stand against his family and fight for his girl.

"Just give her another chance."

"I can't throw my family away because I love someone they don't approve of," I felt the smile slip from my face, and I hissed in an intake of breath, looking to Syed to gauge his reaction. If he started listening to Tamwar, he might start to regret losing his family over me. I shrugged off my insecurities. We'd been through too much already, Syed wasn't going to throw away what we had so lightly. I snapped my carefree mask back into place, despite the inner conflict I felt, and moved to Tamwar's newly vacated seat once he had left, and looked him straight in the eyes.

"Who. Tried. To. Kill. Her?" I asked, stressing each word. Syed laughed at me, reaching across the table to peck my lips.

"I'll tell you later," I pouted, and was about to argue when he stood from the table and untied the rope around his waist, letting my robe fall to the floor. "But first, I thought we could pick up where we left off earlier?" I grinned, leaping out of my seat and practically launching him onto the bed.

xo

Syed was like a dog with a bone. He just couldn't let the conflict between Masood and Tamwar go, no matter what I said to him. I'll admit, it was more for Jane's sake than anything else. I didn't want Syed to start on Jane, because I didn't want to have to choose between my sister and my lover. Syed had arranged for a reunion between Tamwar and Afia, which just so happened to be happening in our flat, of all places. All I wanted to do was have my breakfast in peace, but now I had the added trouble of two pubescent teens to worry about, as well as Syed's suspicions and my own worries about Jane, as well as Syed.

I mouthed "get them out of here" to Syed when he turned to me for advice. I had numerous training sessions today, and I wanted time to chill out and relax before them, which was not going to happen if I had to listen to those two yabbering on. I knew that Syed was just trying to help his little brother out, but did he really have to do it right now, right here? And, just to top it all off, they start arguing about possessive nouns, or something or other. I really can't deal with this right now.

"Right, Syed.." I try to get him to sort this out, I didn't want to spend all my free time listening to them arguing about nouns or verbs or whatever.

"Look, guys, d'ya wanna take this outside?" Hallelujah! I silently thanked whoever it was up there for finally listening to me, for once. "Look, here, take these keys, come back when you're ready."

"What?" Great, so now the flat could be invaded whenever these two felt like having a domestic? Just great.

They finally left, after what felt like a lifetime, and I let out a strangled sigh of relief, chucking my spoon at Syed in the process.

"Ow! What was that for?" I laughed at the expression on his face, but was unable to stop myself from reaching over and stroking his face where I had hit him.

"All better. Why'd you have to go and interfere, Sy?" I sighed, scrutinizing him as I crossed into the kitchen to place my bowl in the sink. He twisted in his chair to face me.

"I'm not about to stand back and let my father ruin Tam's life as well as my mum's, Christian...Tam doesn't deserve it."

"I know he doesn't, but he can stand up for himself, Sy. He's already decided that he'd rather do right by his family than fight for the one he could potentially love. He's not like you, Sy."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

I sighed. The last thing I wanted was to argue with Syed.

"Tamwar doesn't want to lose his family. I thought that might.." I didn't know what I was trying to say.

"What, Christian?"

I sighed. "I thought it might have made you re-think the decisions you'd made. Re-think us." I trailed off.

"Christian," Syed chuckled, moving from his seat in the dining room to join me in the kicten. "How could you think that? Is that why you've been a grumpy sod all morning?"

"I have not been a grumpy sod!" I gasped in mock horror. I sighed, wrapping my arms around his waist. "It's just, you said that you enjoyed being back in Leeds, and then your brother comes in and starts going on about how he can't disrespect your parents because he loves someone they don't approve of, and it just got me thinking -"

"That I was having second thoughts?" Syed pecked my lips once, pulling back to cup my face between his hands. "Christian, haven't we been through this before? I love _you_. My life in Leeds...that was the worst time of my life. I didn't have a family, I was trying to run away from who I really was, the only relationship I ever had was just a one night stand...My life was meaningless back then. Even when I came here, got my family back, it was still all meaningless, until I met you. You gave my life meaning, Christian. How could I ever go back after that?" He laughed lightly.

"I know, Sy. I guess I'm just a little paranoid. I think I just panicked a little bit, when you seemed to like Leeds so much. I'm sorry, Sy. I've been unbearably stupid, haven't I?"

"Just a little bit," I laughed as he said it with just the same pronunciation that I used. "I love you."

"I love you too, Sy."


	16. Chapter 14

**Hi all!**

**Apologies for the delay in posting an update!**

**I know the last time we saw Chryed was last week, but here is my reaction to the NYE storyline.**

**Hope you enjoy it!**

**xoxoxo**

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Christian POV:

I. Am. An. Idiot. With a capital 'I'. Here I am, sitting on a bench, crying my heart out to Roxy, when all I really want to be doing is to be cuddled up with Syed. It's all my fault, of course, my own stupid fault. Syed wanted to stay in, but I wanted to go out. I know why he wanted to stay in, of course. For the same reason I wanted to go out. We both wanted to forget about the pain of the previous year, what had been happening this time last year. But we both wanted to do it in our own ways. He wanted to be with me, cuddle on the sofa, be alone together when the New Year came around. To start the year as we meant to go on: together. But me, I was stubborn, and I wanted to go out and get smashed so that I didn't have to think about what had happened last year. And because I was so stubborn, because I was so pig-headed, I stormed out of the flat without even saying good-bye. As soon as I was on the way to the Vic, however, I had realised that I had been a pillock and I wanted nothing more than to go back and make up with Syed and spend the night with him, alone. It was then, however, that Roxy had spotted me, and I had been roped into the Vic and all plans of apologising to Syed had gone out of the window. I had put on this bravado act, telling her that I didn't care what Syed thought about me going out, but of course, I did. It was the only thing I cared about. And so I stayed. Because I am a pillock, I stayed with Roxy instead of going back.

And of course, I just had to get drunk. I had to go and get wasted and ruin everything. It was all going so well, me and Syed. But it's all gonna be over when he finds out what I've done. Why did I have to go over to him? Why did I have to talk to him? If I had just stayed away from him, none of this would have happened. I wouldn't be sitting on a bench with Roxy crying my heart out, feeling like my life was over. Why did I let myself be alone with him? I should have stayed well enough away, I could have avoided this whole mess if I'd just stayed clear. But I had to let him get close enough to me to kiss me, didn't I? We had been so happy. And then I had to go and destroy all of that.

Without another word to Roxy, I get up from the bench and start to make my way home, the shock of what I've done has sobered me up and I can now walk in a pretty straight line again. I can hear Roxy calling to me, asking me where I was going, practically screeching at me, but I don't want to listen to her anymore. The only person I need to see right now is Syed. I need to apologise to him, beg his forgiveness, beg him not to leave me. I reach the end of Turpin Road and find myself in front of the blue door. I take a deep breath before I head inside, trying my best to mentally prepare myself for what I'm about to do. I fail miserably, of course, not even being able to picture my life without him in it once he knows what I've done. The last thing I want to do is break his heart, but I don't want to lie to him, either. No more lies. I unlock the second door, the only object between me and him, and take another deep breath. I open it gently, finding the flat in darkness. From the small amount of street light filtering through the window, I can see Syed's sleeping form on the bed. I sigh to myself, silently undressing and sliding in behind him. Even in his sleep, Syed instinctively searches for my body, and before I know it, he's in my arms. I'm glad that I can hold him one last time before I break his heart, and mine. I breathe in his scent, nuzzling softly into his hair.

"I'm so, so sorry, Sy," I whisper in his ear, gently kissing his neck before falling into an uneasy sleep.

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Syed POV:

I'm still mad at him. Even though I liked waking up in his arms, glad that he had managed to come home last night, I was still mad at him for yesterday. I had thought that he would have stayed out for a couple of hours tops before he would have come crawling back, tail between his legs. But hour after hour had passed, and by the end of the night, I was still alone. So I had saw in the New Year on my own and had practically cried myself to sleep, wondering if this year was going to be just as stressful as the last. This morning, it appeared I was going to play nursemaid. As soon as he was awake, he was running to the bathroom to throw up. Although I was still mad, I couldn't help but show concern. I held him as he moaned that he was dying, and as he apologised for last night just before another dash to the bathroom, I felt my mood lighten a little. I grabbed my jacket and headed out, knowing from experince that he'd need a fried breakfast this morning, and realising that we didn't have anything in. I headed to the cafe, sending him a message as I entered:

_Gone 2 the cafe 2 get u a pick me up. S xxx_

I hoped that the kisses on the end would tell him that all was forgiven.

_xo_

Christian POV:

I come back from the bathroom to an empty flat. I told Syed that I was sorry this morning, but he wasn't aware of the real reason for my apology. I have so much more to be sorry for than our little fight last night. Part of me doesn't want to tell him. But a bigger part of me wants to be honest with him, no matter what the consequences of my actions. My phone vibrates on the bedside table, and I jump slightly.

_One new message:_

_Syed_

My face lights up, and I can't stop the smile from creeping on my face.

_Gone 2 the cafe 2 get u a pick me up. S xxx_

My smile widens as I read his message, and I slide myself back into bed, pulling the covers up around me and smelling his scent on his pillow. It seems that all is forgiven. For now. Until I am once again the source of his anguish. Two minutes later and my phone vibrates again, making me jump again due to the silence of the flat.

"Look, if you want your fried egg bap, you're gonna have to come and get it yourself." I let the sound of his voice wash over me, having gone without hearing it for so long.

"Aw, Sy, can't you bring it? I'm dying!" I whine at him.

"No, I'm in the cafe." And he puts the phone down on me.

"Syed?" I sigh, getting myself out of bed. The last place I want to be right now is out in public, especially in the fragile state I am in right now.

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Syed POV:

I feel physically sick. Christian just told me that he kissed another man, and that it meant nothing, and I'm supposed to be OK with it all. The only problem is that I'm not OK with it. I can't be OK with it all, because none of this is OK. No single, little part of this is OK, and it never will be. I'm walking around the Square aimlessly, having been relieved by Jane at the cafe half an hour ago. I know what she told me is true; that no one is perfect, and so I shouldn't expect Christian to be perfect. But there's a different between not being perfect and cheating on the man you supposedly love. Isn't there? Not being perfect means sometimes being a twat, or sometimes making fun of me, or upsetting me unintentionally. But cheating...that's a whole different kettle of fish. Cheating is the one thing I never expected of Christian. I suppose it's all I deserve, really, given my past history of cheating. I don't really consider that I cheated on Amira; the whole time I was with her, it was Christian I was cheating on; he was the one I wanted to be with, really. I suppose this is all I deserve, really.

I sink down onto the war memorial and look up at the flat I have called my home for the past few months. All of my happiest memories, and some of my worst, happened in that very flat. But the worst memory of all happened just a few small hours ago, in the cafe. As the words left Christian's mouth, I felt my world literally fall apart. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like the very existence of my world was slowly disappearing. I knew I had hurt him when I talked about my wedding, and the fact that I thought he was different to everyone else, but right at that moment, I wanted nothing more but to hurt him the way he had hurt me. I realised that it was childish and selfish, but it was the only thing I could think of doing in that precise moment in time.

But in the end, I had to admit that Jane was right. Christian wasn't perfect, and it was unfair of me to expect that of him. I had been so unfair, and although I wanted to punish him, I knew that I couldn't face doing that to him. At the end of the day, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, and I knew that he never wanted to hurt me either. Because he was drunk, he made a stupid mistake. I was the master of making stupid mistakes, and I couldn't hold this against him. And then, an idea popped into my mind. If Christian wanted a man in a kilt...then that was exactly what he was going to get.

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**A/N: To be continued in the next chapter!**


	17. Chapter 15

**Hi all!**

**Can't wait to see Chryed back again next week! It's good to hear that they're gonna have a big storyline again :)**

**This chapter is just a continuation of the previous chapter.**

**Hope you enjoy it!**

**xoxoxo**

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Christian POV:

Syed had been driving me crazy all afternoon. I was so glad that all was forgiven, especially considering how terrified I was of ever losing him again. But the sight of him in a kilt was something I just couldn't get over. I mean, Syed had always been sexy to me, but in a kilt, he positively oozed sex. It was only the presence of little Amy that kept me from jumping him right there and then. I'd had a raging hard-on since he had revealed the kilt to me, and now that Roxy had finally come to relieve us of her daughter, taking her time, trying to engage both of us in conversation, I could finally have my wicked way with him. I closed the door softly behind Roxy, finally having been able to manoeuvre her towards the door, glad when she took the hint and left. I could feel Syed behind me, and a smile crossed my face. I spun around and found him closer than I had initially thought. I brushed a stray hair out of his eyes, my hand lingering on his neck.

"Sy, I really am sorry," I say for what must have been the millionth time. He places his finger on my lips, and I can't resist kissing it.

"I know. Stop apologising, Christian. I forgive you," his eyes reveal no hint of a lie, and my heart flutters in my chest at hearing his words. He moves his finger from my lips, replacing it with his own lips. I kiss him back happily, managing to move us away from the doorway and nearer to my ultimate destination; our bed. His arms wrap around my waist, while my hands grip the back of his kilt, moaning simply from the feel of it.

"God, you've been driving me crazy all afternoon," I tell him, and he feigns a look of complete innocence, which only serves to fuel my desire for him.

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean, Mr Clarke," he starts, his words quickly dissolving into moans as I rub my hardness against him. He moves with me willingly now, and we are at the foot of the bed in an instant. Switching our positions in an instant, he gently pushes me down onto the bed, his kisses becoming more needy as he releases my hardness from it's tight confines. His kisses trail down my chest - when did he even remove my t-shirt? - and before I know it, his mouth is around my cock, bringing me closer to the brink in seconds. Not even a minute later, and I'm coming into his welcoming mouth, screaming his name as I experience one of the most intense orgasms I have ever felt. I gasp in my breaths as I try to recover from my untimely orgasm.

"That was quick," he murmurs as he kisses his way back up my body before kissing me and allowing me to taste myself on his lips.

"Like I said, you've been driving me crazy all afternoon," I tell him, letting out a long, satisfied sigh. He snuggles into my chest, and I am so grateful that I still get to be with him like this. "I love you so much, Sy."

"I love you too," he props himself up on his elbows so he can look me in the eyes, and I feel myself falling for him all over again. Here we are, me having betrayed him in the worst way immaginable, and he still manages to find the strength to forgive me and make love to me, all in the same day. I don't think I will ever stop being amazed by him. I don't ever want to stop feeling the way I do about him. As he continues to stroke his fingers along my chest, nipping at my neck with his teeth every few seconds, I feel my now-dormant cock start to stir again. I know that he feels it too when his movements start to get more deliberate, knowing just what he needs to do to bring me to the height of my arousal without even touching my cock. I can feel him grin against me, and the next second, he is straddling my hips, his t-shirt being torn over his head and tossed to the other side of the room. He settles himself just short of where my cock really wants him to be, silently handing me the bottle of lube, moaning with me as I finally touch him. My free hand plays with his kilt, loving the roughness of the material against my skin. "I thought I might leave it on," he suggests as he starts to lower himself onto my waiting cock. "Seeing as you seem to like it so much." I groan my agreement as he reaches the base of my cock and starts to move on me. I prop myself up as much as I can, and, although my request is wordless, he reaches down to meet me halfway to kiss me. I immediately deepen the kiss, still able to taste myself on his tongue. He moans into my mouth, and I know that he has been waiting for this all afternoon, just as I have. Never breaking the kiss, I push the material of the kilt up around the top of his thighs and start working his now rock hard cock with my free hand. Releasing his lips from mine, he lets out a strangled cry that is unintelligible in any language. Unable to control myself any longer, I start to meet him thrust for thrust, my hand never leaving go of his cock until it explodes in my hand moments later. He screams out my name, and seconds later, fuelled on by his orgasm, I feel myself orgasm for the second time at the exact same time that he starts to come around me. He collapses on top of me, and I hold him close as we both try to catch our breath. We share soft, slow kisses, and I try to put all of my love for him, and my regret over what happened, into my kisses.

"Christian?" I look at him as he stares at me, wordlessly telling him to continue. "Happy New Year."

"Happy New Year, Sy," I reply, hoping beyond hope that we have already had our share of pain and misery this year, and that the rest of 2011 will be a happy one for us.

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**A/N: Next part will be up just as soon as Chryed have graced us with another appearance!**


	18. Chapter 16

**Hi all!**

**I'm in two minds about having Chryed back right now..On the one hand, I am sooo glad to see our gorgeous Johnny and Marc back on screen, but at the same time, I'm soo dreading their next appearances because of all the fighting!**

**Secondly, apologies for the lack of update this week, I had planned to update after each episode, but Real Life caught up with me in a very unpleasant way this weekend, so I'm still recovering from that a little bit. **

**Hope you enjoy this chapter :)**

**xoxoxo**

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Christian POV:

I was dreading talking to Syed about this again. Last time I had brought it up, I was met with an answer which I didn't like, and I didn't know if I could handle being disappointed again. Roxy was right when she said I was scared. I was scared that Syed was gonna say no again, and that we would end up arguing over it, which could potentially lead to us breaking up. Again. We'd gone through so much this past year, and I was terrified of losing him again. But this feeling, what I wanted, it wasn't just going to go away, and if Syed refused me again, refused to even discuss it, I didn't know what I would do. When it's a choice between someone you love most in the world, and something you want most in the world, where do you even start? I was possibly more terrified of Syed refusing me this than I had been of him refusing to be with me. This was something which was really important to me, and, truth be told, I had been thinking about it for a while. Although I knew that Syed would think otherwise, it wasn't just some mad idea that had popped into my head all of a sudden. I sighed, my head in my hands, knowing that I couldn't put off bringing it up forever, but also knowing that it would be make or break time when I did bring it up.

Despite all of Syed's worries about how it's not right, how we're not ready, I know that he'll be a great dad. He was always so great with Kamil, when he used to be allowed within a hundred yards of him, and he's always really great with Bobby and Amy when we babysit them. I know there's a big difference between looking after someone else's kid compared to having your own, but I just feel that having a kid would make us complete. I'm not a complete idiot; I know it's be hard, especially with it being two gay men raising the child, but as long as the kid's loved and happy and cared for, that's all that matters, right? I could just picture Syed, pushing our kid on the swings, teaching him to ride a bike, caring for him when he's ill or has a grazed knee.

"Oh, this really means a lot to you, doesn't it?" Roxy's voice brought me out of my daydream, and the image of Syed and me, happy with a kid, is pushed from my mind.

"I hate caring," I say simply. It's because I care about Syed so much that I haven't brought it up already. I know he's still struggling to adjust to being comfortable in being gay, and I don't want to push him too fast, too soon. And I know that doing this will only make him more estranged from his family than he already is, and the last thing I want is for him to be more unhappy, or feel more guilty, for the situation with his parents. I see Roxy look up, and I know Syed's just walked through the door. I knew it before she even looked up. Even after all this time, I'm still so attuned to him that I can feel his presence when he walks into the room.

"I'll be over there, OK?" I nod my reply and Roxy leaves me, alone, to face my demons. I know that I have to do it sooner or later. It's been building up inside me for weeks, and if I don't do it soon, it'll eventually just burst out of me anyway, like the time that I was trying to hide the fact that I was in love with Syed. Eventually, I couldn't keep it inside me any longer and it just burst out of me before I even knew what I was saying, in this very pub, too. I heard Roxy and Syed greet each other, and I tried to relax. I could practically feel myself vibrating from all the tension building up inside of me, and I knew that Syed would see it written all over my face.

"She avoiding me?" I forced a smile. Same old Syed, always worrying what other people think of him.

"You know what she's like, she can only be next to one gorgeous man," I leaned over to kiss him, hoping that it would help me to relax, as it usually did. Not today, though. "At a time," I concluded. Syed sighed, and I was immediately worried about him.

"Everything OK?" He nodded, but the smile on his face - if it could be called a smile - didn't reach his eyes. "Massage course?"

"Fine." I hated it when he gave me monosyllabic answers. It always seemed like he had something to hide, when he did that.

"What's the matter, then?" I asked, my voice softening immediately. I knew him well enough now to know when something was bothering him. I could read him like a book, we had been so close for so long.

"I had a great day. Then I come out the station just as the lights are going on in the new restaurant." I had to supress a sigh. His family. Again. Sometimes, I think it would be better to just get out of Walford, away from his family, where he wouldn't have to be reminded of the pain and shame he brought them everyday. But, deep down, I knew that we could move to the other side of the world, and we'd still never get away from it, not really. He'd always feel guilty for letting them down, no matter where we were.

"Why don't I get you a refreshing orange juice?" This time, the smile managed to reach his eyes, and in that moment, I knew that I couldn't bring the subject of kids up again. Not now, when he was quite clearly hurting so much. I told Roxy just as much, but she was unsupportive of my needing to keep Syed safe. All she really cared about was my happiness, and when Syed seemed to be getting in the way of that again, he wasn't exactly her favourite person. And then Kat comes over and starts going on and on, and I really can't be bothered for any of it. I'm in my own personal limbo, and I don't know how to get out of it without hurting either myself or Syed. I headed back over to our table, drinks forgotten about, and as soon as I sat down, Syed instantly knew there was something wrong with me. Maybe it was the lack of drinks.

"Christian?" I allowed his voice to wash over me for a second, finding myself calming under it. "Christian?"

"Sy, we need to talk," I started, and I could see panic immediately flush his features. I wanted to lean over and brush it away with my hands, like I would have done had we been at home, but I knew that Syed wouldn't appreciate it much in the middle of a crowded pub. "Sy, I..I wanna have a baby with you." I decided to just come out with it. Honesty was always the best policy, right?

"Christian," I could feel the frustrated edge to his voice, and tried not to flinch at it, it had been so long since I'd heard it, directed at me, at least. "When we discussed this before we both agreed - "

"I never agreed to anything." It was true, strictly speaking. I had listened to Syed's reasons for why not to have a baby, but I hadn't agreed with him, not in the slightest.

"I can't believe we're having this conversation again, tonight of all nights!" He sounded amazed that I'd had the nerve to bring it up again, but all I wanted was for him to listen to me, to see how important it was to me, to at least agree to _think_ about it before refusing me outright again.

"Oh, please don't go off on one." It had been so long since we'd argued that I'd forgotten how stubborn Syed could be.

"Think, Christian!"

"Your family are always gonna be here, what are we supposed to do, spend the rest of our lives tip-toeing around them?" I was sick and tired of living my life to keep out of the way of Zainab and Masood. If they were so bigoted that they couldn't accept us, why should we have to suffer?

"This isn't about my family, it's about being practical!" I felt my hopes rising, almost despite myself, when he said that it wasn't his family that was making him say no. "You've got a job, I'm on a course, who's going to look after this baby?"

"We can work something out."

"You haven't even begun to think what that might mean." I could only shake my head in frustration. I had actually thought of little else for weeks, truth be told. And this feeling wasn't just going to go away, no matter how much it could drive us apart.

"Seeing as though you didn't even bother getting me a drink, I think I'm gonna go home."

"Oh come on, Sy, sit down, I just wanna talk about it."

"Well you know how to choose your moments. I'll see you back at the flat." I sighed to myself, groaning internally when Kat came over to me. I really couldn't be bothered for her right now. I told her so and left, hurrying down Bridge Street to catch up with Syed.

"Syed!" He carried on walking, doing his best to ignore me even though I knew it went against every bone in his body. I was exactly the same when it came to me having to ignore him. We had both tried it, and it had never gotten us very far.

"Leave it, Christian."I caught up to him and spun him around to face me before he could get through the blue door. He glared at me, I could see it even in the dark. I hated fighting with him, especially now. When we hadn't been together, I almost relished the fighting, because at least it showed that he cared. When we fought now, it just meant that we were at odds, and neither of us were comfortable in that situation.

"Sy, please. Can't we just, I dunno, talk about it? Please, Sy." He ignored me, turing his back on me again, despite all of his instincts, and went inside. I sighed to myself before following him up, knowing he was frustrated by the way he slammed his keys down onto the table. "Sy," I tried again, but he interrupted me.

"Christian, I just..we're so.._comfortable_ right now. I just don't feel that it's the right time.." I sighed, turning the light on so that I could see him better. He was standing against the wall, arms folded across his chest. I walked over to him and took one of his hands in mine, relieved somewhat when he didn't resist my touch again. "I'm sorry, I know how much this means to you, and it's not what you want to hear. But I just think we should..._be together _first. Do you know what I mean?"

And right then, I did. He wasn't saying no, he was just saying _not yet_. After everything we'd been through the past couple of years, he just wanted us to have time to be with one another, to become more settled, before we thought about a kid. And although I was desperate for a kid, what Syed needed always had, and always would, come first. I just had to accept that, for him, now wasn't the right time. There was no point in arguing about it. That would get us nowhere, and both of us would just end up hurting, at the end of it. I just had to have faith in him, that he would tell me when the time was right.

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**A/N: I know that in all likelihood, Christian and Syed would have went home after the argument in the Vic and argued some more. But with all of the arguing they're doing on-screen at the moment, I just couldn't bring myself to write more arguments, so I hope you forgive me for the ending of this chapter! More up later!**


	19. Chapter 17

**Hi all!**

**Apologies for the delays with the updates, but I've had a lot going on in real life the last couple of weeks.**

**Lovely seeing Chryed again, but now I have no idea when the next time we're gonna see them is! This is so frustrating!**

**And, I'm calm again!**

**Hope you enjoy this chapter, its set when Syed agrees to have a baby with Christian.**

**xoxoxo**

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Syed POV:

I hate this. Arguing with Christian. Whenever we don't agree on something, it just upsets me, and I find myself unable to concentrate. There's no way I'd be able to concentrate enough for my massage course, so instead I'm sitting with my baby brother in the Cafe, while Christian's off with a client. We should be together, trying to sort out way through this mess that we've ended up in! Christian wants to have a baby, for us to raise a child together, and I want him to be happy, I really do, but how can I agree when it goes against everything I've ever been taught? He knows how long it took me to get my head around being gay, how long it took for me to be comfortable enough in myself and to be brave enough to face up to it and live my life the way I wanted to live it, regardless of what I'd been taught and what I'd lose in the process. He knows that better than anyone. But he just can't seem to understand why I'm so against the idea. But, even if it didn't go against everything I believed it, it couldn't have come at a worse time. My parents were still blanking me in the street, Tam was still blaming me, in part, for his break up with Afia, Christian and I were just starting to get on our feet, him with the business, and me with the course. There really couldn't have been a worse time for us to be talking about having a baby. When I had told him 'no', I had meant 'not yet'. We were no where near ready yet. We were just starting to enjoy being together, without having to worry about anyone finding out, or worrying about what anyone would say or think. He knew how big a hurdle that was for me to overcome, and now he wanted to make it more difficult by bringing a kid into it, too? I'm not ready for that yet. No where near. I just need to make him see it.

And now Tam wants me and Christian to put him and Afia up while he rows with my parents, and I just can't handle it. Not right now. I have way too many other things going round in my head to be worrying about my baby brother as well. And if he and Afia came to live with me and Christian, and my parents found out about it, that would be the final nail in the coffin for our relationship, and possibly the end of Tam's relationship with them, too. My family's estranged enough without Tam adding more problems to it. I have to try and convince him to apologise, otherwise this will all blow up in both our faces. I try to use the money route - Tam's bright, he knows he wouldn't last five minutes without a warm bed and hot dinner. I've been where he's about to go, and it's not nice. When I was disowned the first time, I had nothing but the clothes on my back, and I struggled. It's not something I want my baby brother to have to go through. When that doesn't appear to work, I try the family approach. I know Tam would do anything not to end up in the situation I'm currently in - having your own parents act like you don't exist. He loves them too much to disrespect them in the way that I've done. I think perhaps he just hasn't been through what I've been through. With my dad, I was always striving for his approval, and to make him proud. With Tam, that came naturally. He didn't have to try. Maybe that, coupled with the fact that I already knew that I could live without my parents, was one of the reasons why I found it so easy to choose Christian, in the end. I'd always liked to think that, if I'd ever had children, I'd stand by them whatever decisions they made in life, even if I didn't totally agree with them. I made that decision the first time I'd been disowned. And now that it had happened again, for the simple reason of falling in love with the wrong person, made me even more determined.

"...me and Christian might have...plans of our own..." I found myself faltering as I reached the last part of my sentence, my mouth speaking before my brain could even react to it. Was that it, then? Had I made up my mind? Did I want to have a child with Christian? I had always wanted to have a child with the person I loved most in the entire world. But I had never thought that it would be another man that I loved. Was it really all that much of a difference? I'd always wanted to be a dad, always thought that I'd be good at it. And I knew Christian would be too. But was that enough reason to have a child with him, just because there was a chance that we'd be good dads? I'd just told Tam that I didn't want him and Afia crashing with us for months in case me and Christian had plans of our own...Could I really go against something else that I believed in for the man I loved?

xo

I'd brought Tam up to speed on what Christian had proposed. And to say he was shocked was the understatement of the century. When he asked me what I thought about it, I really couldn't give him an answer. I didn't even know myself. We hadn't even talked about it, not really. Christian had brought it up again and I'd shot him down before he could even get a word in edge ways. _He must be used to that by now though, after everything I've put him through_, I thought to myself, wincing internally. And now Tam's telling me that mum and dad are gonna freak...well, it can't push them away from me any more than they already are. It won't exactly pull them closer to me either, but let's be honest, it wasn't realistically going to happen anyway, except from in a parallel universe where they can completely accept me being gay. But the more Tam winds me up about this, the more he's gonna push me away, and he's gonna be left to face my parents on his own. I tell him exactly that.

"Well then, absolutely. You must do it. You know, twins. Triplets. Open an orphanage!"

"Alright."

"Alright, what?"

"You've persuaded me. I'm calling Christian."

And just like that, the decision had been made for me, with me even really thinking about it. Christian and I would need to talk it through properly, of course, and I was hoping that he wouldn't get all over excited and rush straight into things without a second thought (wishful thinking, I know) but I was feeling a lot more positive than I had been this morning. It's amazing what an outside opinion can do for you when you don't know what to do about something. I think it was just Tam, to be honest. He was the one who had sort of convinced me to go back to Christian, after all. My baby brother had a knack for getting things right, it seemed.

I close the Cafe door behind me, dialling Christian's number on my phone. Part of me is nervous to hear his voice, in case he's still mad at me, but part of me can't wait to hear how excited I know he'll be when I tell him the news. I'm relieved that it seems like we've been able to sort out our differences after all. I'll finally be able to go back to my massage course, and stop fretting over how Christian is, or whether he's planning on leaving me again.

"Sy, what d'ya want now? I'm working?" I wince slightly at his tone. He's still mad, I can tell. And he hates being disturbed while he's working, so that makes it that little bit worse.

"Don't freak," I warn him, even though I know that it'll be impossible for him not to. "But I think I might be changing my mind."

"Are you serious?" I can hear the excitement in his voice already, and it makes my heart soar.

"I told you not to freak," I joke. "Speak about it later, yeah?"

"Look Sy, just tell me you're not doing this just to please me," he pleads, and I know he doesn't want me to feel pressured into doing anything I don't want to. I glance around me, spotting my mum through the crowd, and this just spurs on my new found confidence.

"I was scared before. But I'm not scared now. Look, talk about it later." He ends the call, and I know that he's happy. I can just sense it. He's a part of me, just like I'm a part of him, and I know it without even needing to be near him. I can practically hear his laugh vibrating through me, and I can't wait to see him at home later.

xo

I'm on the sofa reading the Qur'an when Christian comes home. I can tell he's excited by the way he bounds up the stairs, cursing as his knee hits the wood of the door. I smile to myself, placing my book down gently and respectfully on the table before looking at the door expectantly as he opens it. He slams it shut with his foot, practically leaping over to the sofa and engulfing me in one of his kisses. I kiss him back eagerly, laughing as he crawls over the sofa until we're sat face to face.

"Hello to you too," I tease as our lips finally part. He threads his hands through my hair and cups my face.

"You were being serious before, Sy? You weren't pulling my leg or anything?"

"I'm serious, Christian," I assure him. "I want us to at least _talk_ about it, discuss our options."

"Well I've already got a little bit of background information," he admits, getting up off the sofa and heading into the spare room, calling to me at a million miles an hour as he does so. "I'd been out and picked up a few leaflets and things you know, just in case. Oh Sy, you have no idea how happy I am right now. I just know that -" I've walked up into the spare room and silence him with a kiss.

"Slow down, Christian!" I chuckle. I'm thrilled that he's excited, and I'm relieved that we're no longer at odds with one another, but I feel like I can hardly breathe. "We need to talk about this, really think things through _before_ we make any rash, life changing desicions. Agreed?" I know how hard it is for him to calm down once he's got an idea in his head, but I don't want us to run into something which we might one day regret.

"Right. Slow down. Sorry, you know what I'm like.."

"Yeah, I do," I agree, pecking his lips fondly. "You'll go charging in, without thinking it through first, and I'll have to come in and calm the situation down, as usual." I grin at him as he gasps in mock horror. I take the leaflets out of his hands and place them onto the coffee table in the lounge, dragging him back through with me.

"I was thinking.." he starts, and I can tell by the tone of his voice that the next few hours will mainly consist of me being naked. "We've never had 'arguing-over-having-a-baby-and-then-making-up' sex before..."

"What about the last time?" I tease.

"Oh no," he shakes his head. "That, I believe, was 'Christian's-so-sorry-for-kissing-another-guy-and-will-never-do-it-again' sex."

"So it was," I reply, with a glint in my eye. "Well, I think it's only fair that we _do_ try all types of sex, just so we can compare them all..."

"I couldn't have said it better myself." With that, I'm flung backwards onto the bed, and for now at least, the nervousness I feel about the future has all but gone to the back of my mind.

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**Hope you enjoyed that chapter!**


	20. Chapter 18

**Hi all!**

**Apologies for the delays with the updates, there's not really an excuse, I'm just rubbish!**

**Chryed are back on tonight, so I can't wait!**

**I'm also very much behind recent events in this fic, so apologies for that! I'll get it up to date ASAP.  
**

**This chapter takes place the day after the last chapter.**

**xoxoxo**

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Syed POV:

Christian's been like an excitable puppy for the last few hours. He left early this morning, and when I woke up and he was gone, I panicked slightly. Then he walked through the door with the biggest smile on his face, with a handful of brochures about how to go about getting a kid. He's been talking at sixty-miles an hour non-stop on the walk to the cafe, all the way through the wait for my egg sandwich, and now we're walking towards the Square and he's still talking. Although I personally think he's cute when he rambles on, we have only just agreed to talk about it, and I can feel myself panicking in the same way as I used to when he was trying to rush me into telling my family about us, all those months ago.

"Christian, we've only just discussed this. I think we should just slow down," I try, and immediately I can sense his mood fall that little bit.

"Yeah, but I'm excited." I know he's excited, and I know he wants us to move our relationship to the next stage, but truth be told, I'm still trying to get my head around the idea of raising a kid with him. I want to do it, God knows I do, anything to make him happy after everything I put him through, but I'm still having trouble reconcilling this idea with the ideas of my faith that have been drilled into me ever since I was old enough to understand.

"I know," I sigh, already feeling defeated. When Christian wants something, he's hardly one to stand around and let it come to him. He likes to go out and grab it with both hands.

"Slow down?" he asks, and I can hear the smallest hint of sadness in his voice. "Yeah, I can do that. Alright, you best get off to your massage class, daddy number one!" He leans in and peck my lips, while I let out a chuckle.

"You realise that makes you daddy number two?" A frown crosses his face, and I can see that he hadn't thought of it in that way.

"Yeah, might have to work on that!" He laughs, and in that moment, he seems so carefree and happy, that I feel guilty that I'm the only thing standing in the way of him getting what he wants. I frown to myself and decide to try my best to reconcille my wants and my faith as quickly as possible, so that I can make him happy.

xo

Christian POV:

I know Syed said he wanted to slow down, but I just can't help myself! I'm so excited that he's said yes, that I can't seem to stop myself from researching and planning and things. I know it's been hard for him to agree to this so readily, and that he's still trying to come to terms with being openly gay that this must seem like another thing he has to try to work around his faith, but I've wanted this for so long, and to do it with him, the love of my life...it's just hard to contain myself. I'm moving boxes into Roxy's for Tanya and Greg, singing to myself as I go. It seems nothing can bring me down today, not even Roxy sulking because I'm helping those she deems her 'enemies'.

"What's with the singing?" Roxy perks up from the sofa, and I stick my head around the door to make sure Tanya or Greg isn't hanging around.

"Can you keep a secret?"

"Haha, no!" Yeah, it was a stupid question, but you never know, she might have said yes.

"Sy's said yes!" I couldn't keep it in any longer, I just had to tell _someone_.

"To what?" She has a blank look on her face, and I laugh at her internally. Typical Roxy, never paying attention to anyone else's life, but expecting everyone else to pay attention to hers.

"Having a baby!" She laughs, moving up on the sofa to let me sit down.

"You know you need a woman for that, right?" I laugh.

"We're gonna get a surrogate. But not right now cos we're taking it slowly. Very very slowly." Too slowly for my liking, really, but I'll do pretty much anything to keep Syed on side with this.

"So you're really gonna do it?" She sounds surprised, almost as though she never expected me to have the guts to talk to him about it, never mind go ahead with it.

"Come on, you were the one who told me to talk to him about it! This is a good thing. Be happy for me!"

"I'm happy." I pull her into a hug, and I think about how lucky I am. I've finally got the man I love, and now we're planning this family together. I don't think things could be more perfect than they are right now.

xo

Syed's been on his massage all day, so I've cooked for him. Nothing special, just some spaghetti bolognaise, but I thought the gesture was nice. Then he called me to say that he was going to be late home because he was going to mosque and then meeting Tamwar, so I felt a bit put out. Instead of moping around the flat because I'd been stood up, I decided to go to the pub with Roxy, who got decidely drunk because of the mess her life was in. She was in such a state, I was surprised she could even remember her own name.

"Come on," I pulled her up off her bar stool. "Let's get this lost dog home." She put up a fight, saying that she wanted to go out clubbing, but I'd just recieved a text from Syed saying he was on his way home, so I told Roxy we'd do it another night, when she'd actually be able to get into some of the clubs. I wrapped an arm around her waist and supported her out of the pub, knowing full well she'd have a banging headache in the morning.

"You'll always love me, won't you Christian?"

"Course I will!"

"Even when I'm really...really old and wrinkly and my boobs are hanging around my ankles?" I laughed at the image, and then quickly pushed it away, shuddering internally at the thought.

"Even then."

"Stay."

"Hey, I'm not going anywhere," I said, confused.

"You will!" she sobbed. "You will, one day, you won't decide it, you'll just go away and then what?"

"I can still see you."

"I know, but not as much and I'd really hate that!" Wow, Roxy was emotional tonight. And all over a gravy boat! "You're the best friend in this lost dog's life!"

"And you are very drunk," I stated. I'd stayed somewhat sober, not wanting to be falling all over the place when Syed got back.

"Yeah, I am really, really drunk!" We laughed. "Best friends forever, yeah?" I entwined our little fingers together.

"Best friends forever." I pecked her on the lips. "You gonna be alright from here?" She nodded and placed her head on my shoulders. "Go on then," I laughed. "Night babe."

"Night." I turned and walked back across the Square, deciding to meet Syed off the Tube and walk him home. I liked turning up and surprising him like that. I vaguely wondered if the spaghetti bolognaise would be able to be salvaged, or whether we'd have to get a takeaway.

"Christian?" I turned back to see Roxy leaning against the pillar.

"What d'ya want now, you old bat?"

"I wanna have your baby." I laughed.

"You really are drunk!" I turned to walk away again, but she pulled me back.

"No, I mean it. Christian, I wanna be surrogate for you." I looked at her in astonishment. We were best friends, sure, but I had never even considered the possibility of Roxy being a surrogate for me and Syed.

"You'd really do that for Sy and me?" She nodded her head. I couldn't think of anything to say, so instead I just pulled her in for a hug.

xo

Syed POV:

Christian sounded a little pissed when I called him to say that I'd be late home, but I knew that he understood. Any time with Tamwar was a blessing to me; it was almost like having a little connection to the rest of my family. I'd hear him talking about how dad had had this great new idea for the business, and how mum was still on his back about something, or how Kamil was getting more and more confident in himself every day, and it was almost enough to dull the pain I felt whenever I thought of them. Almost. Because nothing could ever really replace the family I'd lost, not really. Having a family with Christian...maybe that would be enough to block it out. Maybe I'd be so happy because he was so happy that, in time, the fact that my family had cast me out wouldn't hurt so bad, or matter so much. Maybe this idea, Christian's idea, was a good idea. In an instant, I couldn't wait to get home so that we could talk about it some more. Maybe even start to make some plans - small plans - but plans, all the same.

I bounded down the stairs when I got off the Tube, and didn't notice Christian waiting at the bottom for me until I was almost on top of him.

"Hey!" A smile broke out onto my face immediately, in the way that it did whenever I saw him. "What are you doing here?" I had barely gotten through the barriers before he was in front of me, taking hold of my hands.

"Look, I know you said you wanted me to slow down, but I just can't. I wanna have a baby with you, and I wanna do it now!" He sounded so desperate that it took my breath away for a moment. Surely, since I had been coming around to the idea more and more throughout the day, and he was so clearly desperate to do this, it was a sign. Maybe this was Allah's way of telling me that this was the right thing to do?

"Okay, well let's go to that agency, set up a meeting -"

"We don't need to." Christian interrupted me, and I knew that he could see the confusion which I knew was etched across my face. He stood to the side and I saw Roxy for the first time, standing behind him, in the corner. He nodded to her, and she came and stood beside him. I was sure I knew where this was going, and I was sure that I wouldn't like it.

"I'm gonna have your baby!" She was drunk, I could tell this much by the way she slurred her words.

"She's gonna have our baby!" Christian sounded so excited at the prospect that it was hard for me to understand correctly at first. Christian pulled me into his side and hugged me hard, and I put on one of my fake smiles for them both. Roxy, having our baby? I didn't like this idea one little bit. I thought that, at least if we got a surrogate from an agency, we wouldn't know her, and she wouldn't be around us all the time, watching us raise her child. But Roxy...she lived across the Square, she was Christian's best friend, for whatever reason. We would see her everyday, and she would be free to interfere in our lives whenever she wanted, which she would do, because she wouldn't be able to help herself. If she had Christian's baby, it would be yet another relationship which would be only between them, and I would feel even more pushed out than I already did whenever she was around. I couldn't see a way through this which would lead to an uncomplicated situation. And I didn't see a way that I could convince Christian that this would get complicated...


	21. Chapter 19

**Hi all!**

**Apologies for the lack of updates, I've been so entralled by the recent Chryed scenes we've had that I could barely concentrate on my fic writing!**

**Anyway, on with the story!**

**I'm still a fair few months behind with this, so apologies for that! I hope to catch up soon!  
**

**xoxoxo**

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Syed POV:

I still couldn't believe that Christian had asked Roxy, _Roxy,_ of all people, to be the surrogate mother to our child. Had his previous experience with Amy taught him nothing? Okay, so that may have been below the belt, but Christian knew better than anyone how Roxy would be promising this and that and then, when the time came, she would back out or change her mind, or something else would come up. She had told him that he would be the perfect surrogate father for Amy and had then took all of his dreams and shattered them with a few simple words. Although I hadn't known Christian at the time, he had told me about it, and I could imagine what he had been going through at the time, and the last thing I wanted was for her to let him - _us_ - down in the same way again.

But Christian was generally being Christian, and was getting all over-excited like he had been yesterday when we were just starting to go through the surrogacy stuff. If I was honest with myself, I was still a little unsure about the whole thing, and was still having a hard time lining up this surrogacy stuff with the rules and thoughts of my religion. Could it really be okay for two gay men to bring up a child, or was there some sort of moral code which absolutely forbid this? I had though that my faith had forbid our relationship, but careful study and reading between the lines of the Qu'ran had convined me otherwise. I had never come across this situation before, had never even contemplated it, so I was sure that there would have to be another few hours of reading the Qu'ran again before I was entirely sure whether this idea could be okay within my faith.

But, Christian was ploughing ahead anyway, joking that we'd be adding nappies and baby formula onto our shopping lists before long. I was trying to calm him down a bit, but he was being typically Christian and jumping in feet first and then thinking about the consequences later. I was trying to drop subtle hints that I just didn't know if I was ready for this right now, and he was being typically Christian and not picking up on them. I just hoped that he was just going to do the fertility test with Roxy for now, and that we'd have a chance to talk some morer before he ploughed ahead and we were in way over our heads with only one way out. I know that Roxy just wants to help out a friend in need, but she's never thought that highly of me and I don't think she's 'piss on me if I was on fire', as the saying goes. He sped off to wake up Roxy, and I just had to smile at his excitement. It had been a long time since I'd seen Christian with this much of a smile on his face, and I really didn't want to be the one who ended up wiping it away...

Christian POV:

I have to admit, I was heartbroken when Roxy admitted that she couldn't remember telling me that she'd be a surrogate for me and Syed. I was so looking forward to having a baby with him, and I was even more excited at the prospect of my best friend possibly being involved with my - _our_- plans, that the thought that she'd been too drunk to even realise what she was saying, much less remember it, hadn't even crossed my mind. Even when she'd tried to tell me that she did remember agreeing, it didn't exactly fill me with hope. She was drunk when she said it, what if she was only agreeing now because she felt like she had to? What if she agreed and then somewhere down the line, changed her mind? I don't think I could deal with the heartache again, not after losing Amy the way I had.

I was so nervous. I put on a front for Syed, that I was all excited and that nothing could possibly go wrong, but inside, I was terrified. What if Roxy couldn't get pregnant, or did change her mind? What if we couldn't find anyone to be our surrogate? Would Syed ever be able to forgive me if it all went wrong? And then, on the flip side, what if Roxy did get pregnant, or if we did find a surrogate? How would that change the dynamics of mine and Syed's relationship? Would we still be the strong unit we'd always been, or would the extra stress prove too much? Would I suddenly back out and change my mind? It seemed like it was all I wanted right now, but what if I changed my mind a few months or years down the line? What if Syed changed his mind? There were so many ifs and buts that my head was getting dizzy just thinking about thinking about them.

Syed POV:

My talk with Tam had enlightened me. Sort of. He was right, though. Having a baby with Christian went against everything I believed in, everything I'd been taught for as long as I could remember. It was going to take a lot of time for me to reconcile this idea with my faith. But Christian was excited, and when he was excited, he just went in and grabbed what he wanted with both hands, to pot with the consequences. I was afraid that he was moving too fast, but I was also afraid of how he would react if I asked him to slow down. He'd wanted this for so long, ever since Amy had been born, that asking him to wait for even longer almost seemed to cruel to contemplate. But I knew that Tam was right; I needed to be sure myself before I committed myself to something as huge as this. All I needed to do now was tell Christian...

Christian POV:

I still can't believe Roxy had tried to seduce me! I mean, I knew she loved me as a friend, but something more than that? Especially with me being 100%, certified gay. It's not that I didn't find her attractive, I'm gay, not blind, I can see how attractive she is, of course I can. But the thought of doing..._that..._with a woman...in fact, with anyone other than Syed...it makes me shiver! I felt a tangible difference in the air when i left her flat to meet Syed, and I wasn't really sure that she wanted to do this anymore, but I pushed the thought out of my mind. She wouldn't back out just because I'd turned down the offer to sleep with her. I didn't think.

c~s

I had a hard time convincing Syed to come around to the idea of Roxy having our baby. In the café, he suddenly just seemed to opposed to the idea. _Or, _a little voice in my head said, _he's been unsure all along and you've been too caught up in your own excitement to notice._ I pushed the voice to the back of my mind. Syed would have told me if he wasn't 100% sure he wanted to have a baby together. I know he would have. That's one of the things I pride myself for; our relationship is built on good communication. And then I realised that this was all moving a bit too fast for him to get his gorgeous head around, and I realised that I had to slow down. For his sake. It didn't matter how much I wanted to do this, I wasn't the only one in this relationship. He seemed to visibly relax when I told him that we could wait, and it made me feel happier than I had been all day. I realised now how strained he had been today, and I wanted to kick myself for it.

And then I realised the one thing which could turn our world upside down. Again. I was out the door of the café and over at Roxy's before I'd even given him an explanation. I just hoped that Roxy hadn't already gone through with it, otherwise, I had a sneaking suspicion that I'd be spending a night on the sofa...

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